The Necklace

My humans have this thing that they like to put on my neck when other humans come over, I have seen the female wear one occasionally, she has referred to it as a necklace, so I can only assume that's what mine is as well. I do not like to wear it, it is annoying but from what I understand it's for my "safety, incase I get out".

Last night was the male human's birthday, naturally he had some friends over for this. The female put my necklace on, much to my displeasure, and then had the gaul to make loud noises at me if I tried to get it off! I spent a lot of time perfecting my technique for getting the annoying monstrosity off of my beautiful neck, but, of couse, they don't appreciate that. Dumb humans.

Now, normally, when the rest of the humans leave, my necklace is taken off. Last night, however, one human stayed overnight so it was left on. After everyone went to bed I got to work trying to remove the stupid thing. It seems that they have tightened it since the last time I wore it though and my mouth got caught. I had to admit defeat against the fabric and walk calmly to the humans room to wake the female up so she could remove it. It's at times like these when I wish I was a polydactyl cat, those extra digits would surely come in handy. Eventually, I was able to wake the female up and she removed the constricting device. I now need find a way to show her that I am grateful for her freeing me, but in a manner that will not make her think that I am starting to like her more. Any suggestions?

-TKKAL

The Humans Are Talking...

I was pretending to sleep earlier today while the female was on the phone. As much as I love listening to phone conversations I was actually starting to fall asleep so this was a bit of an annoyance. However, I did find out a key piece of information while I was being bothered.

The female was talking to someone - I believe her mother, but I couldn't hear so I can't be sure. Anywho - I believe I have wormed my way into the hearts of these humans. This is a definite success. The female was saying that "her baby is growing up" because they "bought her her first bag of adult food today". Now, this could be either myself or the annoying black dog. Using my genius intelligence I have come to the conclusion that it is me because (a) I am the youngest, and (b) I'm fairly certain that the female has referred to the black dog as being "four years old". Since she is four years old she would already be on adult food - ta da! It's me, I'm the "baby"... although I hardly consider myself a baby.

As for how my plans have been going, I have spent the past few days observing the humans and trying to figure out the red dot. I hate that dot, the other day whilst trying to capture it I had to stop. My mouth opened slightly and my tongue stuck out a bit, my breathing was also heavier. I have heard the humans comment when the dogs do this, they call it "panting". This only adds to my belief that if I don't capture that red dot soon, I will turn into one of the pesky dogs. This is not a good thing, my friends. We all know that us cats are far superior to those pesky little monsters.

Speaking of those pesky little monsters, I have found a new way to amuse myself with them that also takes advantage of the humans overprotectiveness of me. I do laps around the room until the dogs begin to give chase. When I stop they do a few more rounds (after all, they are not the brightest and haven't realized that I'm not moving anymore), then when they finally notice where I am they come up to "play". It is at this point that I let out a loud hiss and swat at them. The humans then reprimand the dogs and I usually get a treat. It is great fun to confuse the humans and the dogs with one little game.

Anywho, I am growing quite fond of this new "adult" food and there is still some left in my bowl.
-TKKAL

The Humans Are Evil.

I am so tired all the time now, that little red dot that moves around the floor keeps coming back just as I am completely rested. I am confident that the humans are to blame for this.

I have figured out that when the female picks up the little black pen and presses something on it, it commands the red dot to come out. I hear it click and then... BAM. Red dot.

I cannot figure this out though. It seems that the dumb brown dog is just as interested in it as I am. I can't help but think that they are either trying to make me dumb as well, make the dumb dog smarter, or confuse us both. I am going to have to go with the first and last options on this because, well, let's face it... that brown dog is never going to be as smart as I am.

I am finding myself distracted by it. The other day I was trying to kill the red dot, I leaped up towards it and as I was going to land I just fell. Right behind the couch. This is not something I would normally tell all of you, however, I feel that by letting others know about this experience you may avoid being as captivated - nay, obsessed - with the red dot as I am. Beware the red dot, it will only bring you trouble.

I have come up with a fun way to annoy the humans without wasting much of my precious energy. Whenever they stand up to get something, I quickly get up and lay down where they were, then fake (or actually on occasion) sleep. Unlike those dumb dogs, I refuse to move when they go to sit down, so they are then forced to sit somewhere else. I repeat this whenever they get up to do something. It is great fun and doesn't waste a lot of energy.

Oooh I hear the male getting up, I must go test out this theory on him.
-TKKAL

What Is Happening?!

I'm not quite sure what is happening. I think I am growing too close to my subjects...

I have found myself waiting for them to get home, and, *gasp* actually wanting to be near them.

This has been bothering me for the past two days, which is why there was no post yesterday. I think I may have found a solution. As much as I seem to like being around them, I also like to bite them. It is great fun and they don't seem to like it too much, which of course just makes it more fun for me. I am confident that this will keep them from petting me too much, luring me in, and, eventually, brainwashing me into being a "nice kitty" as they put it.

I have to keep this short tonight, the female keeps looking for her computer during the breaks on that stupid lit up box they stare at.

- TKKAL

How is this possible?!

When I jumped on the computer just now I noticed that the female had left a website up. To my astonishment one of the pesky dogs was on it! How does a dumb dog make it onto a blog? All she did was walk through some woods - big deal! I could do that easily.

Perhaps I should try to make friends with the female dog, I think her name is Sadie. She seems to have the humans trained quite a bit; whenever she goes to the door they open it and she goes out, if she barks she gets food. This is something that I need to seriously consider, I must figure out how the dog did it. They cater to her every whim!

The Laser...

Today, I saw the dumb brown dog acting like a fool and jumping around all over the place at something. As I went in to investigate it caught my eye... a small red butterfly! As I'm sure everyone knows, I love to eat little bugs and colourful things have more vitamins... it's true with fruit so I'm assuming it's the same for bugs. This butterfly was a tricky thing though, it would dart all over the place and as soon as I'd catch it it would disappear. I spend a very long time searching the floor, walls and ceiling looking for it, then, just as I'd give up, it would appear again.

I would look to the female whenever she would snicker at me, she appeared to have a small black pen in her hand. I decided to glance over at her while the butterfly was in the room and have come to the conclusion that the butterfly is somehow connected to that pen. I will investigate this further whenever she decides to go to bed, assuming that she forgets about it and leaves it where I can get it. I must remember to distract her thoroughly beforehand so that it is left where I can get it. 

If they are connected then I need to figure out their correlation. I suspect that this will be very handy in my mission, I will be able to distract the humans to get what I want. Just imagine if I could make little hamburgers flying around the room - they would do anything for me! This is a technology that I must figure out quickly and harness so that I can use to my advantage. More to come on this later as I figure this out. 

Bad Ideas

Last night the female forgot to cater to my by giving me my wet meal before she went to sleep. I decided to protest this, however, I don't think she got the message correctly and thought I was just misbehaving because I can.

Sooner after her and the male fell asleep I decided that I needed to begin my protest. I knocked just about everything that was up high and could easily be moved down to the ground. I suspected that the result of this would be the female getting her lazy butt out of bed to give me my wet food. I was wrong, so very wrong. The result was lots of "Stop it cat!" and eventually the door to their room being shut. Of course this displeased me and I protested even more - screeching on the other side of the door, body checking it, scratching at it - anything and everything that you can think of I did. Eventually the male got up and opened the door. I assumed it was to give me my wet food, so I followed him very closely and kept jumping up to where it was and knocking the cans over. He, however, had different ideas and simply laid down on the couch. I jumped on him quite a bit until he placed me on the ground and very rudely told me to stop bothering him. Of course, as any kitten or cat knows, it is very disrespectful to tell me what to do - you should ask, and even then, I'm still going to do what I want to do... although I may consider if there is a tasty treat involved.

I decided to go directly to the source and bother the female. I jumped all over her but she didn't wake up - I suspect those pesky dogs have been bugging her in bed for years and have desensitized her to harassment. Eventually I tired and just fell asleep in the window. I had every intention of going up there only to jump down on her head but all the pretty lights outside distracted me. I suspect this is some sort of hypnotization technique and I must start preparing myself mentally for the distracting should it ever be used against me. I have heard talks of a "laser pointer" and am fairly confident that it is to be used in the same manner as the lights outside.

As a direct result of my behaviour last night the humans stayed in bed later than usual, the end result was my dry food not being filled up as early as it normally is and, due to their lack of quality sleep, being fed the wrong food. Of course I protested this by regurgitating the food on the floor while they were out, however that was also a bad idea because I was soon hungry again.

As much as I hate to admit defeat I have come to the conclusion that this is one area where the humans have the advantage. They control my food intake and by harassing them while they are trying to sleep it has a direct correlation to my feeding schedule. I will try to remember this in the future and, perhaps, not bother them if they miss a wet meal once or twice. They must not know that they have won this battle.

- TKKAL

PS. Here is a picture of my beautiful self. If you would like, you may design posters to put around your home as motivation when you take this challenge upon yourself.

Uh Oh..

I thoroughly annoyed the male of the dwelling yesterday. Perhaps I went too far, he is very angry with me.

The male and female were enjoying a special day, apparently it is known as "Valentine's Day". They locked me out of the bedroom for a bit while they were in there, all the pouding and screeching at the door wasn't enough to get them to open it. I was angry. I decided to hold in this new found anger until a more appropriate time - perhaps when they wouldn't realize that I was angry for being locked out of a room and just assume it was normal kitten stuff.

I waited for about 5 hours, I couldn't take it anymore after that - I need to act upon my displeasure. While the male and female were watching a film I went to what the humans call "the studio". I proceeded to knock as many things off the desk and the shelves as possible... including a very expensive speaker. That may have been a bit too far, but what was done was done and I couldn't take it back, nor replace it.

When the male saw what I had done he was livid. At first the speaker didn't work... many things went through my mind; What was going to happen to me now? Would I be moved to another home before I could finish my experiment? Fortunately for me, after the male played around with speaker for quite some time he got it working again. I will not have to move, although I have been banished from that room for now. A little bit of a backfire on my part as that was the one room where I was allowed but those pesky dogs weren't. At least I still have my place under the chair in the main room... perhaps I will gain access to "the studio" again at a later date. It is a minor set back at this point.

Note to all cats and kittens that may be reading this blog looking for tips... do not do this kind of experiment so early into your cohabitation with the humans - it is not a good idea!

- TKKAL

How To Annoy Your Humans

I have succeeded in finding quite a few new ways to drive my humans insane over the past couple of days. I figured since I have just arrived here I should start immediately so that they are under the impression that this is how I have always been. It seems to be working quite well and I don't see how it could backfire.

Here is a list of things that will be guaranteed to annoy the humans:

1) Show the small dogs how to get into your covered litter box and eat your poop. This one was especially fun because the dogs then go up to the humans and lick their faces, only for the humans to realize after that they have little bits of litter stuck to their noses. The best part? The dogs get in trouble for it and not me.

2) Sit in a cardboard box that's been left on the floor and shred it. Even better if you can find a bottle cap near by to swat around on a tile floor while sitting in and shredding the cardboard box. It makes quite the mess and the noise drives them nuts, but you can't be blamed because THEY left the things on the floor. This also works with toilet paper and it's so easy because it just flys off the roll and it's in a holder. Bonus points if you can get the toilet paper all over the bathroom, including in the human litter box.

3) The one I tried the other day - wait until the humans are just starting to fall asleep, then jump up on the edge of the bed and stare at them until they wake up. They are instantly startled and have trouble falling back asleep. The more often you do it the more they begin to fear you. The closer you can get to their face the better, it has little to no effect if you are a few feet away.

4) Open as many doors as you can. Today I have successfully opened all of the bedroom closet doors, the hallway closet, all of the lower kitchen cabinets and the door to the bathroom twice - while it was in use. Even better if you can convince the dogs to eat the garbage that is located under the kitchen sink, then they get blamed for it.

5) Wait until the dogs are somewhat close to you and then hiss. Loudly. Do this often, sometimes even when the dogs are on the other side of the room.

6) Weave in and out of their legs while they're walking. Just be sure to get out of the way when you feel them begin to lose their balance. I have learned this one the hard way.

7) Kick as much litter as possible outside of your litter box. If you have a mat under your litter box you will need to put in extra effort with this one. It needs to go far. If all else fails and you cannot possibly get any litter out of your box, play with your water or food dish instead. The water is the best one because the humans usually don't see it until they step in it. The look of terror on their faces while they try to figure out if it's water or pee is priceless.

8) Lick their toes. If they are wearing socks, bite their socks.

9) Jump at random spots on the walls. If possibly knock down picture frames and wall hangings in the process, just be careful to be out of the way when they fall. I suggest jumping at 45 degree angle parallel to the wall to maximize effectiveness and safety.

10) Get onto tables and rip up or knock off as many things as you can. Tissues work very well. This works well if you do it multiple times, even better if you wait until they sit down again to get back up and continue. I have done this 3 times in the past 5 minutes, I am really enjoying myself.

Well I must get off the computer now to terrorize the humans some more, TKKAL

TKKAL

I have finally been able to access a computer. I have been moved to a strange place and, unfortunately, have lost my previous notes along the way. Because of my previous carelessness I have decided to keep all of my notes electronically so that I may access them where ever I happen to be.

For my own personal reference, since I am not good with dates and numbers, I will record my current statistics here. Perhaps you will find it useful as well, whomever may be reading this. I am approximately 10 months old, the humans here call me Leiki for some reason. I choose not to answer them at this time, however, if it proves useful in the future I may answer to this so called name. There are other animals here; two dogs and four fish. I have also found a couple of ants in the bathroom, however I have chosen to use them as a source of protein rather than befriend them. I may do this with the dogs at a later date if they continue to pester me, especially the larger brown one. I do not know my current weight, although I suspect I'm around 7-8 pounds. I am tall, slender and extremely beautiful, or so I have been told. Perhaps I will post pictures along the way. 

A little about my past residence, I lived with a nice man and a little dog. I did not like the little dog much, I would pester him and, unfortunately for me, lost my claws because of it. I feel no ill effects from the surgery now, however I have lost quite a bit of defence. I need to sharpen my mind if I am to ever take over these humans and their mindless four legged sidekicks. Those stupid dogs, they do whatever the humans say. 

I am having some success with the humans. I have them trained to let me into rooms if I pound on the door long enough. This is especially useful at night when they are trying to reenergize themselves. For the first few nights I decided to study them from under the bed, unfortunately I did not realize how stealthy they were during this reenergizing period so had to change my post and move closer. I do not feel there is any danger in this, they are quite still and quite during this period. 

Two nights ago I decided to play games with the female one. I waited until she was just about to enter the first stage of reenergization, I then softly leaped up onto the bed and stared until she woke up. This did not take long and it seemed to startle her. Success! I did this three or four times until I heard the male enter the living area, I then snuck under the bed again to wait until he laid down. Unfortunately for me, I fell asleep and didn't awaken until the female stirred and left the dwelling. This did give me a good opportunity with the male. I decided to do my experiment on him as well. I proved to be a success, it had the same effect on him as it did with the female. I think I have found an effective way to disrupt their reenergization and make them weaker so they will give in to my many whims. 

Last night I decided to give them a bit of a break. The female went to bed earlier than the male, she took the two pesky dogs with her but, much to my dismay, closed the door before I could get in! I pounced on the door until the male got up from whatever useless task he was doing and opened the door. I must learn how to work door knobs, if it is not fully latched I have figured out how to use my paws and body to open them, however when it is latched I am (partially) at their mercy. This must be remedied. 

Back on topic, after the male opened the door I snuck in and jumped up on the bed for some observation time. Unfortunately, the dogs were on the bed with the female... I was unsure whether I should chance staying up there and waking them up or if I should just find a nice place under the bed to curl up and sleep. I decided to take a change and conquer the most prized position on the bed - the pillows. The female was using one to support her head, but there were quite a few others which were not in use. The stupid dogs were near the bottom of the bed - apparently they do not know that that is the most dangerous part of the bed; easily kicked, unable to view all spaces without moving AND they were actually under the cover giving them absolutely no view at all. These animals seriously do not have the extremely intelligence that I do. I must have under estimated how tired I was myself, simply foolish. I fell asleep quickly and didn't wake until after the female had left. 

I must begin to record their schedule, it will be extremely useful when I plan my escape after my experimenting and manipulation is done. 

I must go now, the female is coming back to her computer - if she sees me on here or realizes what I am doing all of my efforts will have been in vain. The humans must not figure out what I am doing. 

- TKKAL (The Kitten Known As Leiki)