I'm Famous!

Very sorry for the long absence folks, but I've been working hard on finding a new way to escape and I think I've figured it out. I am going to become famous.

Here's my plan. Both of my humans are very much into photography and design, often creating posters and things for various events around the city they live in. My plan was to get into one of the photographs that is to be used, then when everyone sees how beautiful I am they will all flock to the humans with requests to use my beautiful face to promote their products. After being featured in a few of these types of things, the humans will feel comfortable with toting me around outside of the house and I will be able to escape!

I have already snuck my way into a photograph that is being used for a poster - word on the street (or in the male's email) is that it may be used for the entire tour. Let me know if you see it, I need to know where my pretty little body is showing up!

Oh The HORROR!

THEY LEFT ME! AGAIN!

This time was much longer than the others, if my memory serves me correctly it was nearly one full week.

The worst part? They took the pesky mutts with them, but not loveable little old me! It would have been the perfect change to escape.

It all started a week ago. I knew something was up when I saw the female throwing clothing into bags and bringing things from inside out, and then not bringing them back in - sometimes I wish she would do this with the dogs. I attempted to remain calm, maybe I would be going too?

Soon it was my turn. She pulled out my backpack carrier. I hate that thing and I was mad at her, so naturally, I decided to make it difficult for her. I ran around and hid under things where I knew she wouldn't be able to reach me. Eventually I grew bored and allowed her to capture me, that's when I was put in the backpack of misery.

The minute I was loaded into the car I started howling the most annoying howl you can imagine. I continued this for the duration of the trip, into the building where I later found out I would be staying, and for a little bit after I was let out of my backpack.

She showed me where my litter box was, played with me for a little bit and then left. I did not approve of course, although I did know the family that I was staying with - I am actually quite fond of them.

To show my disapproval I did to these new people exactly what I did to the male and female when I came to live with them  - refuse to eat for a little bit and meow as loudly as I could when they went to sleep.

The female must have been communicating with these new people, although I have no idea how. The laser pointer came out one night and after a good session with that I was very hungry and had to cave in and eat something.

Of course, right as I settled in I was loaded back up to come back "home".

So here I am, back in my usual place of residence, dropping hair purposefully all over the dark clothes and fully ignoring my humans.

- TKKAL

My Vacation...

For the past week the humans have been disappearing for a day or so at a time. I see them leave me heaping amounts of food (which I have learned not to eat all at once), fill up the water fountain (yes, I have them trained to leave me a fountain full of water and not just some stagnent water), give me some treats and wet food and then quietly slip out the door with the mangy dogs.

Only hours after I have finished my wet food, treats and taken a nap, do I realize they are not back yet and wonder where they have gone. Surely they haven't abandoned me?!

It is during these quiet moments that I plan my next escape attempt. I have peace and quiet - no whining dogs in the background, no humans shuffling around... and they leave the television on easy listening which only drives me to escape more. Seriously, who can listen to Kenny G for hours on end and not go crazy? Not this cat, that's for sure.

Eventually, they show up again, showering me with too much affection for my liking and more food to replace the stale bowls that have been left on my table. In return, I wait until they are sleeping and run laps around the apartment, screaming at the top of my lungs, just so that they can't get those few hours of sleep they so desperately desire. Just another hour or so until I can torment them for leaving me alone last night...

-TKKAL

Pictures and stories of clowns

I received an interesting email today... it seems to come from a chipmunk that lives in the garage of the female's parents house. I am assuming it's from a chipmunk, as it is signed "Chippy". 

Warning - FOUL LANGUAGE!

Hi Leiki!

I know you don't know me, but I've been a reader of your blog for sometime 
now. It has always amused me, and since we both know that "people" are not 
that bright, I follow your exploits with great humour. And then suddenly, I 
discovered who your "mistress" is, and just knew straight away I had to 
write you and warn you. I used the clown pretense in the subject line to 
confuse the female; in case you don't know she is deathly afraid of them, 
and will just delete this email without reading it. And I know you always 
check both her regular email, spam and deleted, so hopefully you are reading 
this.

The little bitch is from Woodstock, in fact I live at her parents' house. 
She parades around under this guise of being an animal lover...in fact she 
is, but only for dogs. All other critters, and that includes you, should be 
wary of her.

My point.....just a few weeks ago I was in my master's garage. He is pretty 
good at leaving food for me, saves a lot of time, and the little bitch came 
after me. She chased me under a shelving unit, then went and got a stick and 
kept poking at me. Boy, was I scared. Then something trivial, probably a bit 
of music, distracted her and she left me alone. Shortly after she mentioned 
it to my Master, and he gave her hell! And something else......I'm sure you 
know that all critters are in some form or fashion related...her big sister 
took after one of my cousins (who is a toad) with the lawnmower and sliced 
him all to pieces.

So, why they haven't cubed and diced you up for dinner some night is beyond 
me. But beware, she is a dangerous one, and she will get you. Carefully plan 
your escape, and then run like hell. She's out of shape, so she'll never 
catch you.

And if you make it to Woodstock, be cautious of my Master as he has had his 
fill of domesticated animals, but I'm pretty sure you can stay for a spell 
under the back shed with me!

Signed.......Chippy

I must be careful of my actions around the female, it seems that she may have ulterior motives... 

- TKKAL

The Evil Computer..

I am deeply sorry for my absence this past few weeks, it is not like me. It is all that vile woman's fault.

Shortly after my last post, I came to the computer again. Something was not right, the screen wasn't on and no matter how much I smacked it with my paws it would not light up. Very strange, the female usually leaves it on all the time. I was frustrated, so I took it out on one of the female's socks - you should have seen her face when she put it on and there were holes all through it!

Anyways, I decided to give it a few days and see if it would work again. Unfortunately, day after day, I came to the same thing - no lights on, no screen. The female had also not been on it often, so I decided to eavesdrop on her conversations with the male.

From the snippets of conversation that I heard, there was something jingling around in the female's computer. The male was supposed to fix it, but was apparently taking his sweet time doing it. The female was getting frustrated by this, so was using the male's computer. I was not able to get on though, it's password locked and kept in a room that I cannot get to.

Yesterday, the female came home from work and started playing with the computer. I saw lots of little screws and was very tempted to bat them around to annoy her, but used my better judgement so that I would be able to get on again. Once the computer was all apart she found a small piece of plastic and now the computer is working normally again (although MUCH quieter).

I have had many adventures in these past few weeks and will update shortly about them, again, I am very sorry for my absence.

- TKKAL

Disguises

Hello all, 

I have decided to go undercover for my escape. I have been working very hard on my disguises in hopes that the humans will not realize and I will be able to sneak out. 

The first is a coaster. I figure that the humans will use me as a coaster, then when I'm all wet, they'll toss me out with the trash. 

I have composed the photo below as an example:

There are a few problems with this plan, however. The first - I do not like being wet at all, even the little bit of condensation from the cans/glasses bothers me. I do not think I could handle it long enough to get to the point where they would throw me out. Plus, there's that pesky bit of whether they throw me in a trash bag, or in the recycling. If it's the trash bag, I'm in trouble.

Which brings me to my next disguise, I think this one will work much better. I apologize for the glowing eyes, I do not yet understand the flash of the camera.

As you can see, I have drawn a moustache and eyebrows on my face. I had to use white eyeliner on the left side of my face because my fur is black there.

I like this one much better, as I am fairly confident that people will see me and presume that I'm just a very tiny person. They will then open doors for me and do all of the things that I cannot do myself.

So which disguise do you prefer? And do you think I will succeed with one of them?

- TKKAL

I Can Has Exorcism?

The female has been watching an alarming number of classic horror films lately, so of course I took an interest in it and thought that this may help me in the future. In the meantime, I have been having some fun at her expense.

I have learned quite a bit about her during this process - naturally, she assumes I'm being a "normal", cuddly cat and sleeping while she's watching the movies, but we all know this is not the case. While I have been tolerating her petting and pretending to sleep, I have been able to closely gauge her reaction to certain scenes.

For some odd reason, there is a scene in one particular movie, The Exorcist, that really bothers her. For those of you familiar with the movie - it is the part where Linda Blair's head spins around on her neck. For those not familiar with the movie, a quick YouTube search for Exorcist head spin will show you what I'm talking about. And because I don't know where exactly you are viewing this blog from, I will say that the YouTube search results are probably NSFW.

Anyways, to the point now, after much practice and thanks to my natural flexibility, I have figured out how to replicate this at the perfect moment. The other night I was chilling out in the studio listening to the male record some music. The female came in to say goodnight, as she was walking past me, I carefully positioned myself so that I could get the full effect of my head spin. The results were absolutely perfect. She didn't believe her eyes at first, so she walked past again... and again... and again. Each time with the same result. The male laughed at her and said she was crazy, from what I gather from her phone calls, others do as well. She is now researching where she can get someone to come in and perform an exorcism on a cat - good luck with that. I have a feeling that she will continue to get laughed at for this. Now if only I could figure out how to howl and scream while doing this, I'm sure she would go crazy.

-TKKAL

Back To Bugging..

I have gone back to torturing the humans, it was bound to happen and they were getting to happy.

First, they cut out my nighttime snack! I don't know where they got the nerve to do that, but they did it. I played along for a few days, thinking that if I was a "good" kitty they would give me treats and MORE food. When that didn't happen, I began to occasionally run up and down the hall screaming. I know that they do not like this, and it is great fun (and exercise) for myself. However, that has not worked either. I need to figure out something that will annoy them a great deal and get me the food I require to enter a proper REM sleep cycle - after all, I need to be fully rested to take over the world.

They have also become fairly slack in closing the door when they come inside. They will leave it open for a split second, enough time that I can stick my head out and survey the hallway, but they stand there and watch me while I do this. I have a feeling that they are also up to something, this cannot be good.

I have started to gather supplies that I feel I will need for my big plan. I will not divulge much information on this just yet - the female seems to be onto me with this whole blog thing. After I leave the computer she immediately goes over to it and tries to figure out what I've been doing. Thankfully, she isn't the smartest one and hasn't realized that all she needs to do is press Command+Shift+T to open up the last tab I was using. I am well aware that I am not covering my tracks well in this regard, but she has so many tabs open on her browser that there is no possible way I could remember them all - so this will have to suffice for now.

Back to my supplies... so far I have collected a rather large, stuffed rat toy. I plan to use this to scare the female at some point when the male isn't home. Preferably when she is just entering the residence. I think it will frighten her just enough that she will leave the door open for an extended period of time and I will be able to slip out. However, I need to figure out how I will get through the other two doors that will give me access to outside. The second thing I have is a supply of "cat treats". I will use these for nourishment on my journey. I also have my small blue blanket in my secret lair, after all, I will need to keep warm.

I still need to gather a few more supplies - mainly some sort of sharp object that I can use for cutting things. I also need to make a few improvements to my lair - at the moment it would be incredibly easy for those dumb mutts to get in. Thankfully, they haven't bothered trying... yet...

-TKKAL

They Are Back...

I suppose my panic was all for nothing.

The humans came back in the afternoon the next day. Apparently, the pesky dogs went to visit their grandparents while the humans went to a birthday party.

I was a little hungry because of my previous indiscretion with the food situation, but next time I will be more careful.

When they leave the next time I will make sure to prop something in the door or the window so that I will have a chance to escape, or perhaps I should dress up as one of the dogs and make my escape that way...

I must get off now, the humans are making some dinner and keep looking over at me wondering what I'm doing on the computer.

- TKKAL

The Humans Left Me!

I knew something was up when the humans packed up the dogs and loaded my food dish up with food, but I never thought it was this! They left me here, all alone - so far for a few hours! No laser pointer play time, no cleaning out my toilet right after I go, no one for me to meow at and annoy. The windows are shut and locked, as is the door, so there is absolutely no chance of escape.

Of course, I assumed that the extra food was just a treat and dug in, eating it all in one sitting. It has been a few hours and they are still not back. I will need to figure out how to open tins of food soon, my stomach is already starting to gurgle with hunger. Perhaps I can get into the treats that they have up on different shelves throughout the dwelling.

I shall update soon as the situation reveals itself.

- TKKAL

Playing With Food

Now, most people or other cats will tell you that you aren't supposed to play with your food before you eat it. It's a common saying among parents to their offspring, but I say poo poo to that!

Here is my guide on how to properly eat your food!

First, sneak up on your prey and make sure that it doesn't see you...

The next step is to make yourself as big as possible to scare it into submission...

The next step is to bat it around, often considered playing, but serving a much more important purpose of course.

Then you must carry your dinner to an appropriate place to consume it. I chose my regular feeding station. 

Then you dig in and eat it. I will spare you all the photos of that. 

Hopefully my post has proven useful to those of you that weren't sure how to eat properly, or convinced your parents to allow you to play with your food. And I am a bit sorry for those of you that opened this without warning of graphic photographs but remember, I am a cat. 

- TKKAL

My Beautiful Blue Eyes

The female took some lovely photos of me today, so I thought I would share my beauty with you since I have nothing to report in regards to torturing the humans.

Here I am sitting on the edge of the bathtub. This is what I do to bother the female while she's using the toilet. She is not using the toilet in this picture, that would be weird.

And here is another that was taken right after I enjoyed my dinner. Don't I look beautiful?

The lighting really brings out my beauty and accentuates my muscly body. 

That is all for now, I have some big plans for torturing the humans coming up in the next few days so there should be some good posts coming up!

- TKKAL

INTRUDER ALERT!!

Since the installation of the new windows, I have been spending much more time on the sill trying to figure out a way to escape. Alas, if only I still had my front claws, unfortunately, they were removed prior to coming to this place.

During my night watch duties in the sill the other night I heard a familiar sound - meowing. I was interested at first - perhaps it was another cat trapped in an apartment that I could conspire with and contro... errr... befriend. Much to my dismay, when I responded, the meowing got closer... and closer.. and closer, until, finally, it was right below the window. This immediately angered me - why did this cat get to enjoy the freedom and power of roaming around outside? My only other thought was that, just maybe, this cat would aid me in my escape. Surely a cat outside would have his claws. I invited him up to the sill on the other side of the window. Thankfully, it had been rather warm outside and the humans had opened the window so that the screen was exposed and we could chat freely without causing much alarm to any humans around.

During our conversation I learned that he was very fond of the humans and seemed rather dull witted, in my opinion. However, I continued to chat with him, positive that I would be able to convince him to rip open the window and be my minion. The female had other plans though and chased him away. I am now positive that she is firmly against the thought of me having minions - after all, look what she did to my previous ones!

Once she had settled back in her position on the couch and was engrossed in the television program Storage Wars, I invited him back to continue our conversation. This did not last much longer and he quickly proved that he would be no use to me as he had also had his claws removed. I immediately wanted this fool gone, but he would not leave and insisted on rubbing his dumb face all over my beautiful window screen. I growled at him to no avail, even resorting to hissing, but he was as steadfast as I was on the sill. As much as I don't like to admit it, I needed the help of the female, but how was I to get her attention? Simple, doing laps around the apartment with the aid of the dogs.

Now, for those of you that aren't familiar with the pesky mutts that I must share this space with, they are dachshunds. These dogs are notorious for chasing anything that moves whist making as much noise as they possibly can. Unlike other small breeds, they have an unnaturally deep bark that makes them sound about 20x bigger than they actually are. This greatly annoys the female, especially at night. For a visual reference, here are the two that reside here:

As you can see, they are rather dumb and will do whatever anyone tells them to. 

My plan was successful, the minute I leaped from the window and started running around they gave chase, barking their dumb little heads off. The female immediately followed, so I jumped back in the window and started my growling and hissing at the orange cat in the window. The female proceeded to grab a water bottle and squirt the cat, which of course made him jump away. We were done with him... or so I thought. 

What does that dumb cat do next? He jumped right back onto MY SILL. I was not taking too kindly to this invasion of my space. I needed another plan. 

The humans have the dogs trained to ring a bell by the door when they have to go outside to use the bathroom. I decided to use this, and the fact that those mutts follow me around everywhere, to my advantage. I gracefully lept from the window once again and trotted over to the door, knowing full well that the dogs would follow me there. I proceeded to ring the bell exactly as they would, then jumped up on my perch by the door. When the female looked over, she never suspected that I was actually the one to ring the bell and came over and put their restraints on. I went back to my sill to watch the action unfold - surely the dogs would teach that stupid cat a lesson. 

Unfortunately, I managed to forget that with the restraints on the dogs were about as useless as the orange cat. When the door opened, the cat looked down at the dogs and took off under a car. Phase one of the plan was successful. I hoped that even through the restraints the dogs would managed to give him a good enough scare that he wouldn't come back. 

When they came back inside, I waited patiently in my sill for about an hour. Every once in awhile I would give a good growl and hiss, thumping my tail against the wall, just so that he would know he wasn't welcome. At about 3 am, I decided that my plan had succeeded and went to bed. 

The orange cat has not returned since. 

- TKKAL

My Absence...

I am deeply apologetic for my absence, but I do have a good excuse... I have been exercising and training myself, with the help of the female (unbeknownst to her). I am positive that with this new found muscle tone, agility and my amazing jumping skills, I will soon be able to escape.

I had the female video tape my jumping so that you could all see. Of course, being a human, she had to take it too far and added all kinds of little things to the video. This is where I would be rolling my "googly eyes" if you could see me.

Here is the video, if you are interested in watching. I must say though, before you watch, that I was getting quite tired at this point so my jumping skills aren't fully represented.

The female has also had questions about the song that is playing in the background of the video. It is the Canadian artist, Kate Maki, singing her song Badminton Racket. I must say, it is a lovely song.

Anywho - I must get back to doing laps around the apartment while the female attempts to sleep. It annoys her a great deal, which of course gives me great pleasure. It also makes the brown dog jump over the gate, which also annoys her.

- TKKAL

I Have Been Thwarted

I suppose I should preface this by showing my past escape attempts, for those of you that may not be faithful readers (shame on you!).

The first attempt, escaping out the door whilst the female was checking the mail, was not captured on camera (thankfully, as it wasn't very graceful or in good taste - more of a mad dash). 

This was my second attempt. You will notice how well I blend in with the glass and other miscellaneous and useless human belongings. The box also matched my hair quite nicely. 

Unfortunately, the humans didn't take the box out of the apartment while I was in it, so that didn't work. 

I decided that boxes filled with recycling were my next best shot. I attempted to put this theory to the test this past week. I figured that the brown along my body might blend in with the brown of the liquor store bags and the beautiful blue in my eyes might blend in with the Oreo Jello pudding packaging. 

Unfortunately for me, the humans are just as reliable for taking out their recycling as they are timely in taking their donations to the donation place.

Next, I decided that I should perhaps try to make friends with one of the pesky dogs. I figured if I could assimilate with them, the humans may not notice and I would be able to slip out when they take them out to use the bathroom. I will never understand why they get to treat the world as their toilet while I have to poop in a box.

That also did not work. 

Now I have taken up post right beside the door. As you can see in the picture, I have cleverly hidden myself on top of the female's jacket. I am also within reaching distance of everything that the humans grab when they go out the door - the keys are above me, the purse is beside me, as are the leashes, shoes are beneath me (little bit of a pun there, because I don't wear shoes), and the leashes for the mutts are between myself and the purse. 

I had a feeling that she may see me when reaching for her jacket, so I took the old "if I can't see you, you can't see me approach". 

I didn't work and I was forced off the jacket. As you can see below, this is my "I hate you right now" face.

My other plan was to escape out the window during the summer when they humans had them open. I go on the sill quite often, after all, I must survey the territory that will soon be mine. The screen that keeps me in when the windows are open was torn at the side. My plan was to slip through that space when the weather was warm enough for the humans to open the windows.

Unfortunately (I've been saying that quite a bit lately), I was locked in the human litterbox the other day. Upon my release, I came to realize that it was noticeably warmer. Something was not quite right and I ran to check my future escape hole. At some point during my incarceration the entire window had been replaced! In addition to the screen, there are now two panes of glass separating me from the outside world.

I must go rest up now and save my energy, my mind is buzzing with new plans and I need my beauty sleep to bring them to fruition.

- TKKAL

My Nearly Successful Attempt At Escape

This was my second attempt this week, however both attempts have proven futile and I'm not positive that I should continue at this point. If I do, the humans may begin to inspect everything that leaves the confines of the apartment and I will have no chance.

If anyone is interested in this attempt, I will explain my plan.

The humans have been busy the past few days, they seem to be purging their living space of anything "unnecessary" and putting those things in a box labelled "donations". I suspected that this box may be leaving the premises, and thought that it was the perfect opportunity to rid myself of the humans and the pesky mutts. What a joy that would be; no more dogs chasing me around, no more being told "bad kitty, you're going to break that", the world would be my litterbox.

I managed to "borrow" the female's camera and take this picture, using the self timer on the camera of course, to illustrate my escape.

In case you were wondering, I was not planning on showing my body whist hiding in this box. However, my plan was thwarted once again when the humans decided not to go to Goodwill that day. I ended up hiding in the box for hours, only to realize after they had gone to sleep, that I was not going anywhere.

I have decided to resume my current position here for the time being, after all, I  do get free food and what not... at least until the next opportunity arises.

-TKKAL

Sweet, Sweet Freedom

I managed to escape today.

The female was going to "check the mail", so I slipped out when the door was open. Unfortunately for me, she saw me and gave chase. I quickly darted down the hall, hoping that she would tire and give up when, all of a sudden, a door opened and there was a rather large scary man standing there. I immediately bolted in the opposite direction, when I saw the female I bolted the other way and encountered the man again. I was stuck. The female captured me, much to my displeasure. I attempted one last shot at freedom by screeching loudly and using my back claws to scratch, but alas, here I am, sitting at the female's computer tell you all about my missed chance at freedom.

All was not lost though, I did manage to get her pretty good on her neck and her stomach. Hopefully, those will scar and she will be permanently have the mark of TKKAL on her, much like Zorro.

-TKKAL

Blogger? Tumblr? Twitter?

Why does everything end in an r, or er, sound? Perhaps it's easier for humans to pronounce those noises... whatever the case may be, I have now joined a few more sites to help spread my message and convert fellow kittens and cats to master human controllers. I am well on my way, and you can be too!

My "Twitter" and "Tumblr" accounts are linked together, it seems that if I post on one, the other is updated as well. In either case, leikikiki.tumblr.com is the Tumblr account and twitter.com/leikikiki is the Twitter account. I suspect that they will be updated nearly daily and they will alert you to new blogs on here.

If I ever figure out what an RSS feed is, perhaps I will be able to connect all accounts, but for now, this seems to work well. Feel free to follow on any of the accounts, I am currently resisting the urge to steal the female's chequebook and give prizes for retweets, but that may come in the near future... I just need to figure out a way to hold a pen.

-TKKAL

No More Dogs!

My plan has been working, the dogs are now out of the home. I am hoping it is forever, however the humans keep mentioning them and how they miss them, so I suspect that they will be coming back at some point.

Since they have been gone I have been remodelling the apartment to my specific likings. I have successfully placed as many of the humans possessions on the floor as possible and also rearranged the pillows so that I can get under (and into) the couch again. They had put quite a few things in behind and along the top to try and thwart me, but it didn't work, and I can only assume that they haven't noticed as it hasn't been changed yet.

My plan until the dogs come over is to destroy things and hide them under the couch. Once the dogs come back, I will slowly bring things out and place them need the dogs when they are sleeping. The humans will see the dogs with the destroyed possessions and soon the dogs will be gone for good!

I see no flaws in my plan but I must be careful to execute it perfectly.

-TKKAL (aka Kiki Meow Meows)

They Are Gone...

Yesterday was absolutely horrible. The humans loaded me up in the "carrier", which is more like a rolling suitcase, and put me in the car. I attempted to undo the zipper on the way from the door to the car, but was thwarted by the bumps as the carrier was rolling along the ground.

We got to the vet where things only got worse. First, I was put in this big white thing while they weighed me. Don't they know you're never supposed to ask a girl about her weight? Well this was even worse because I had no say in it. Nonetheless, I was very good and just laid there.

Next, I was taken from the white thing and put on a big, cold, metal table. It was also very shiny, which was quite distracting as the light kept going into my eyes. While I was on this table the lady that was apparently the vet kept looking at my eyes, at one point she said I have the typical siamese "googly eyes". I DO NOT HAVE GOOGLY EYES! Dumb vet lady, obviously my eyes were going weird because the table was so shiny and because she had her face right in mine so it was hard to focus.

After making rude comments about my beautiful eyes, she started poking her fingers around my mouth and looked at my teeth. Apparently, I have very nice teeth. I suppose that partly makes up for the googly eyes comment. I was so stunned about it all that I missed the perfect opportunity to chomp down and draw blood.

I am having trouble deciding which of the next two things that happened was worse... first she stuck something up my bum, and then she stuck her finger down my throat to "give me medicine". I'll let you decide, it's too traumatic to even remember at this point.

My minions will be leaving me over the next few days. I am very sad about this but am seriously debating on leaving a big pile of them right on the humans' pillows. I also heard talk of a finger being stuck down my throat again in two weeks when I get more "medicine". Someone please send help. I cannot do this on my own. This has to be some form of abuse.

Oh, and to top it all off, the female took a picture of me while I was on the table. I think I will leave the minions on her pillow.

-TKKAL

(Leiki's "female" here... she doesn't think I know about this blog, but of course she isn't smart enough to clear her history after using the computer. Here is the photo of her at the vet, just to embarrass her a little. She's lucky I didn't take it while they were taking her temperature.)

My Minions...

The humans have caught on to the minions I have been shedding. They say that I'm going to the vet tomorrow so that they're all gone and I'll feel better. Obviously they don't know that I was putting them there on purpose! How else am I to figure out what they're up to when I'm not in the room? I suppose I'm going to have to look into a more technological way to monitor their behaviour now. Apparently, they do not appreciate having to feed the minions unknowingly as well. They say that they eat about as much as I do and apparently take some of the nutrients that I need. If I had known that I wouldn't have agreed to let the little buggers live inside of me.

Perhaps I should work on the pesky dogs and try to get them on my side now... Any ideas on how to train something that is more dumb than a brick?

-TKKAL

The New Way To Annoy.

I have found a new way to annoy both the humans and the stupid mutts. It works particularly well on the humans, as it obviously causes discomfort, but the beauty of it is, when the humans yelp out the dogs also yelp and bark! I must figure out if there is some correlation in their DNA that causes them to share feelings, or if the dogs are just that dumb that they yelp whenever the humans do so.

So here is my tip for fellow felines that want to harass their humans. First, you need to act all cuddly. When they are sure that you want to cuddle with them they will lay close to you, or perhaps even reach out to touch you. It is at this point that you attack. I have found out the hard way that it is better to attack hands and arms than faces. They seem to get overly angry when you attack their faces.

I have also perfected the best way to attack the hand and/or arm. First, grab the arm with your paws. If you have claws, this is the time to dig them in. Wrap them around the human's arm or wrist as tight as you can. The next step is to gently bite the hand, start off soft so that they think you are playing, when they begin to laugh start biting harder. This must be done quickly so that their defence system doesn't kick in. Once you begin to bite hard, you absolutely must also get your back feet in. I will refer to this as a rabbit kick, not because I am particularly fond of rabbits, but because it looks similar to what they do when they move around. This is the exact motion that you want to do with your back feet, make sure that your claws are out when you do this for maximum effect.

I must warn you though, most humans do not find this game as amusing as we do. It is imperative that you have a safe hiding place where the humans cannot get to you quickly. The longer it takes for them to get you out, the quicker their anger fades into concern for you, and the quicker you can repeat the attack.

I sincerely hope that you all enjoy this spot of advice and use it wisely,
-TKKAL

The Kitten Know As Leeks.

That's what they're calling me now. Leeks. How embarrassing is that? It sounds as though I am constantly leaking some sort of fluid, or that I cause the leaking of some sort of fluid. Of course, I do like the chew on things, but those things consist mostly of the female's hand and my own food, so I'm fairly certain that nothing is really leaking there.

In other news, I have figured out how to break into my food container. Seeing how the food is simply in a bag though I shouldn't consider this much of a feat. Although... I have been opening it from the seal rather than just chewing through the bag like the mangy mutts do... Anyways, this has caused the female great distress today. I am thoroughly pleased. She did not catch on right away, so I continued for about half an hour. She would come and close the bag, I would promptly open it and gorge myself, she would then scold me and tell me that I would get "fat", seal the bag again, then the process would repeat itself. She eventually figured out that she needed to move the bag out of my reach. I am determined this evening to access the bag. If this fails, I will keep her awake all night since I am positive she works in the morning.

She also keeps mentioning a "photo shoot" that she wants to do with me and the fish. Does she not realize what a bad idea this is for her? She will most certainly lose one of her precious fish during this process, and it will make a tasty snack for myself. Perhaps I should encourage this "shoot"...

I am almost positive that I mentioned the "gate" before. It's a small barricade that allows me to go into the human's bedroom but keeps the dumb dogs out. I found out today that there is a door in it! What am I to do if the humans leave the door open? Those stupid dogs will be able to come and go and I will have no place to go to avoid them! I swear, my dear readers, sometimes it is rather difficult living with all of these fools.

The female seems to be in an aggravated state this evening, so I must bid you ado before she catches me on her machine, as I'm sure that would just aggravate her further. Good night all,
-TKKAL

Why All The Changes?!

The humans keep changing things whenever I find something fun to do. It's really starting to get on my nerves.

The other day the female moved the human bedroom all around because I "keep doing zoomies over the bed and up into the window in the middle of the night". Apparently, that keeps them awake and they don't appreciate it. Little do they know, my plan was to keep them awake all along. Now that the bed has been moved to a spot that prevents me from doing this I have had to figure out a new way to keep them up, one that doesn't involve jumping up on the bed but that still allows me to go into the window so I can see what's going on... and figure out how to open it. I decided to run as fast as I can through the apartment, then, just before entering the bedroom, screech as loud as I can as I jump onto a chair and into the window. This had been working well, until they put a small gate up over the bedroom door. I think they thought it would prevent me from tearing into the bedroom at full speed and perhaps stop the screeching... they were wrong. They have just made me an obstacle course so that I may become more fit and agile. Perhaps I should knock down some things to create more obstacles for myself.

-TKKAL

The Necklace

My humans have this thing that they like to put on my neck when other humans come over, I have seen the female wear one occasionally, she has referred to it as a necklace, so I can only assume that's what mine is as well. I do not like to wear it, it is annoying but from what I understand it's for my "safety, incase I get out".

Last night was the male human's birthday, naturally he had some friends over for this. The female put my necklace on, much to my displeasure, and then had the gaul to make loud noises at me if I tried to get it off! I spent a lot of time perfecting my technique for getting the annoying monstrosity off of my beautiful neck, but, of couse, they don't appreciate that. Dumb humans.

Now, normally, when the rest of the humans leave, my necklace is taken off. Last night, however, one human stayed overnight so it was left on. After everyone went to bed I got to work trying to remove the stupid thing. It seems that they have tightened it since the last time I wore it though and my mouth got caught. I had to admit defeat against the fabric and walk calmly to the humans room to wake the female up so she could remove it. It's at times like these when I wish I was a polydactyl cat, those extra digits would surely come in handy. Eventually, I was able to wake the female up and she removed the constricting device. I now need find a way to show her that I am grateful for her freeing me, but in a manner that will not make her think that I am starting to like her more. Any suggestions?

-TKKAL

The Humans Are Talking...

I was pretending to sleep earlier today while the female was on the phone. As much as I love listening to phone conversations I was actually starting to fall asleep so this was a bit of an annoyance. However, I did find out a key piece of information while I was being bothered.

The female was talking to someone - I believe her mother, but I couldn't hear so I can't be sure. Anywho - I believe I have wormed my way into the hearts of these humans. This is a definite success. The female was saying that "her baby is growing up" because they "bought her her first bag of adult food today". Now, this could be either myself or the annoying black dog. Using my genius intelligence I have come to the conclusion that it is me because (a) I am the youngest, and (b) I'm fairly certain that the female has referred to the black dog as being "four years old". Since she is four years old she would already be on adult food - ta da! It's me, I'm the "baby"... although I hardly consider myself a baby.

As for how my plans have been going, I have spent the past few days observing the humans and trying to figure out the red dot. I hate that dot, the other day whilst trying to capture it I had to stop. My mouth opened slightly and my tongue stuck out a bit, my breathing was also heavier. I have heard the humans comment when the dogs do this, they call it "panting". This only adds to my belief that if I don't capture that red dot soon, I will turn into one of the pesky dogs. This is not a good thing, my friends. We all know that us cats are far superior to those pesky little monsters.

Speaking of those pesky little monsters, I have found a new way to amuse myself with them that also takes advantage of the humans overprotectiveness of me. I do laps around the room until the dogs begin to give chase. When I stop they do a few more rounds (after all, they are not the brightest and haven't realized that I'm not moving anymore), then when they finally notice where I am they come up to "play". It is at this point that I let out a loud hiss and swat at them. The humans then reprimand the dogs and I usually get a treat. It is great fun to confuse the humans and the dogs with one little game.

Anywho, I am growing quite fond of this new "adult" food and there is still some left in my bowl.
-TKKAL

The Humans Are Evil.

I am so tired all the time now, that little red dot that moves around the floor keeps coming back just as I am completely rested. I am confident that the humans are to blame for this.

I have figured out that when the female picks up the little black pen and presses something on it, it commands the red dot to come out. I hear it click and then... BAM. Red dot.

I cannot figure this out though. It seems that the dumb brown dog is just as interested in it as I am. I can't help but think that they are either trying to make me dumb as well, make the dumb dog smarter, or confuse us both. I am going to have to go with the first and last options on this because, well, let's face it... that brown dog is never going to be as smart as I am.

I am finding myself distracted by it. The other day I was trying to kill the red dot, I leaped up towards it and as I was going to land I just fell. Right behind the couch. This is not something I would normally tell all of you, however, I feel that by letting others know about this experience you may avoid being as captivated - nay, obsessed - with the red dot as I am. Beware the red dot, it will only bring you trouble.

I have come up with a fun way to annoy the humans without wasting much of my precious energy. Whenever they stand up to get something, I quickly get up and lay down where they were, then fake (or actually on occasion) sleep. Unlike those dumb dogs, I refuse to move when they go to sit down, so they are then forced to sit somewhere else. I repeat this whenever they get up to do something. It is great fun and doesn't waste a lot of energy.

Oooh I hear the male getting up, I must go test out this theory on him.
-TKKAL

What Is Happening?!

I'm not quite sure what is happening. I think I am growing too close to my subjects...

I have found myself waiting for them to get home, and, *gasp* actually wanting to be near them.

This has been bothering me for the past two days, which is why there was no post yesterday. I think I may have found a solution. As much as I seem to like being around them, I also like to bite them. It is great fun and they don't seem to like it too much, which of course just makes it more fun for me. I am confident that this will keep them from petting me too much, luring me in, and, eventually, brainwashing me into being a "nice kitty" as they put it.

I have to keep this short tonight, the female keeps looking for her computer during the breaks on that stupid lit up box they stare at.

- TKKAL

How is this possible?!

When I jumped on the computer just now I noticed that the female had left a website up. To my astonishment one of the pesky dogs was on it! How does a dumb dog make it onto a blog? All she did was walk through some woods - big deal! I could do that easily.

Perhaps I should try to make friends with the female dog, I think her name is Sadie. She seems to have the humans trained quite a bit; whenever she goes to the door they open it and she goes out, if she barks she gets food. This is something that I need to seriously consider, I must figure out how the dog did it. They cater to her every whim!

The Laser...

Today, I saw the dumb brown dog acting like a fool and jumping around all over the place at something. As I went in to investigate it caught my eye... a small red butterfly! As I'm sure everyone knows, I love to eat little bugs and colourful things have more vitamins... it's true with fruit so I'm assuming it's the same for bugs. This butterfly was a tricky thing though, it would dart all over the place and as soon as I'd catch it it would disappear. I spend a very long time searching the floor, walls and ceiling looking for it, then, just as I'd give up, it would appear again.

I would look to the female whenever she would snicker at me, she appeared to have a small black pen in her hand. I decided to glance over at her while the butterfly was in the room and have come to the conclusion that the butterfly is somehow connected to that pen. I will investigate this further whenever she decides to go to bed, assuming that she forgets about it and leaves it where I can get it. I must remember to distract her thoroughly beforehand so that it is left where I can get it. 

If they are connected then I need to figure out their correlation. I suspect that this will be very handy in my mission, I will be able to distract the humans to get what I want. Just imagine if I could make little hamburgers flying around the room - they would do anything for me! This is a technology that I must figure out quickly and harness so that I can use to my advantage. More to come on this later as I figure this out. 

Bad Ideas

Last night the female forgot to cater to my by giving me my wet meal before she went to sleep. I decided to protest this, however, I don't think she got the message correctly and thought I was just misbehaving because I can.

Sooner after her and the male fell asleep I decided that I needed to begin my protest. I knocked just about everything that was up high and could easily be moved down to the ground. I suspected that the result of this would be the female getting her lazy butt out of bed to give me my wet food. I was wrong, so very wrong. The result was lots of "Stop it cat!" and eventually the door to their room being shut. Of course this displeased me and I protested even more - screeching on the other side of the door, body checking it, scratching at it - anything and everything that you can think of I did. Eventually the male got up and opened the door. I assumed it was to give me my wet food, so I followed him very closely and kept jumping up to where it was and knocking the cans over. He, however, had different ideas and simply laid down on the couch. I jumped on him quite a bit until he placed me on the ground and very rudely told me to stop bothering him. Of course, as any kitten or cat knows, it is very disrespectful to tell me what to do - you should ask, and even then, I'm still going to do what I want to do... although I may consider if there is a tasty treat involved.

I decided to go directly to the source and bother the female. I jumped all over her but she didn't wake up - I suspect those pesky dogs have been bugging her in bed for years and have desensitized her to harassment. Eventually I tired and just fell asleep in the window. I had every intention of going up there only to jump down on her head but all the pretty lights outside distracted me. I suspect this is some sort of hypnotization technique and I must start preparing myself mentally for the distracting should it ever be used against me. I have heard talks of a "laser pointer" and am fairly confident that it is to be used in the same manner as the lights outside.

As a direct result of my behaviour last night the humans stayed in bed later than usual, the end result was my dry food not being filled up as early as it normally is and, due to their lack of quality sleep, being fed the wrong food. Of course I protested this by regurgitating the food on the floor while they were out, however that was also a bad idea because I was soon hungry again.

As much as I hate to admit defeat I have come to the conclusion that this is one area where the humans have the advantage. They control my food intake and by harassing them while they are trying to sleep it has a direct correlation to my feeding schedule. I will try to remember this in the future and, perhaps, not bother them if they miss a wet meal once or twice. They must not know that they have won this battle.

- TKKAL

PS. Here is a picture of my beautiful self. If you would like, you may design posters to put around your home as motivation when you take this challenge upon yourself.

Uh Oh..

I thoroughly annoyed the male of the dwelling yesterday. Perhaps I went too far, he is very angry with me.

The male and female were enjoying a special day, apparently it is known as "Valentine's Day". They locked me out of the bedroom for a bit while they were in there, all the pouding and screeching at the door wasn't enough to get them to open it. I was angry. I decided to hold in this new found anger until a more appropriate time - perhaps when they wouldn't realize that I was angry for being locked out of a room and just assume it was normal kitten stuff.

I waited for about 5 hours, I couldn't take it anymore after that - I need to act upon my displeasure. While the male and female were watching a film I went to what the humans call "the studio". I proceeded to knock as many things off the desk and the shelves as possible... including a very expensive speaker. That may have been a bit too far, but what was done was done and I couldn't take it back, nor replace it.

When the male saw what I had done he was livid. At first the speaker didn't work... many things went through my mind; What was going to happen to me now? Would I be moved to another home before I could finish my experiment? Fortunately for me, after the male played around with speaker for quite some time he got it working again. I will not have to move, although I have been banished from that room for now. A little bit of a backfire on my part as that was the one room where I was allowed but those pesky dogs weren't. At least I still have my place under the chair in the main room... perhaps I will gain access to "the studio" again at a later date. It is a minor set back at this point.

Note to all cats and kittens that may be reading this blog looking for tips... do not do this kind of experiment so early into your cohabitation with the humans - it is not a good idea!

- TKKAL

How To Annoy Your Humans

I have succeeded in finding quite a few new ways to drive my humans insane over the past couple of days. I figured since I have just arrived here I should start immediately so that they are under the impression that this is how I have always been. It seems to be working quite well and I don't see how it could backfire.

Here is a list of things that will be guaranteed to annoy the humans:

1) Show the small dogs how to get into your covered litter box and eat your poop. This one was especially fun because the dogs then go up to the humans and lick their faces, only for the humans to realize after that they have little bits of litter stuck to their noses. The best part? The dogs get in trouble for it and not me.

2) Sit in a cardboard box that's been left on the floor and shred it. Even better if you can find a bottle cap near by to swat around on a tile floor while sitting in and shredding the cardboard box. It makes quite the mess and the noise drives them nuts, but you can't be blamed because THEY left the things on the floor. This also works with toilet paper and it's so easy because it just flys off the roll and it's in a holder. Bonus points if you can get the toilet paper all over the bathroom, including in the human litter box.

3) The one I tried the other day - wait until the humans are just starting to fall asleep, then jump up on the edge of the bed and stare at them until they wake up. They are instantly startled and have trouble falling back asleep. The more often you do it the more they begin to fear you. The closer you can get to their face the better, it has little to no effect if you are a few feet away.

4) Open as many doors as you can. Today I have successfully opened all of the bedroom closet doors, the hallway closet, all of the lower kitchen cabinets and the door to the bathroom twice - while it was in use. Even better if you can convince the dogs to eat the garbage that is located under the kitchen sink, then they get blamed for it.

5) Wait until the dogs are somewhat close to you and then hiss. Loudly. Do this often, sometimes even when the dogs are on the other side of the room.

6) Weave in and out of their legs while they're walking. Just be sure to get out of the way when you feel them begin to lose their balance. I have learned this one the hard way.

7) Kick as much litter as possible outside of your litter box. If you have a mat under your litter box you will need to put in extra effort with this one. It needs to go far. If all else fails and you cannot possibly get any litter out of your box, play with your water or food dish instead. The water is the best one because the humans usually don't see it until they step in it. The look of terror on their faces while they try to figure out if it's water or pee is priceless.

8) Lick their toes. If they are wearing socks, bite their socks.

9) Jump at random spots on the walls. If possibly knock down picture frames and wall hangings in the process, just be careful to be out of the way when they fall. I suggest jumping at 45 degree angle parallel to the wall to maximize effectiveness and safety.

10) Get onto tables and rip up or knock off as many things as you can. Tissues work very well. This works well if you do it multiple times, even better if you wait until they sit down again to get back up and continue. I have done this 3 times in the past 5 minutes, I am really enjoying myself.

Well I must get off the computer now to terrorize the humans some more, TKKAL

TKKAL

I have finally been able to access a computer. I have been moved to a strange place and, unfortunately, have lost my previous notes along the way. Because of my previous carelessness I have decided to keep all of my notes electronically so that I may access them where ever I happen to be.

For my own personal reference, since I am not good with dates and numbers, I will record my current statistics here. Perhaps you will find it useful as well, whomever may be reading this. I am approximately 10 months old, the humans here call me Leiki for some reason. I choose not to answer them at this time, however, if it proves useful in the future I may answer to this so called name. There are other animals here; two dogs and four fish. I have also found a couple of ants in the bathroom, however I have chosen to use them as a source of protein rather than befriend them. I may do this with the dogs at a later date if they continue to pester me, especially the larger brown one. I do not know my current weight, although I suspect I'm around 7-8 pounds. I am tall, slender and extremely beautiful, or so I have been told. Perhaps I will post pictures along the way. 

A little about my past residence, I lived with a nice man and a little dog. I did not like the little dog much, I would pester him and, unfortunately for me, lost my claws because of it. I feel no ill effects from the surgery now, however I have lost quite a bit of defence. I need to sharpen my mind if I am to ever take over these humans and their mindless four legged sidekicks. Those stupid dogs, they do whatever the humans say. 

I am having some success with the humans. I have them trained to let me into rooms if I pound on the door long enough. This is especially useful at night when they are trying to reenergize themselves. For the first few nights I decided to study them from under the bed, unfortunately I did not realize how stealthy they were during this reenergizing period so had to change my post and move closer. I do not feel there is any danger in this, they are quite still and quite during this period. 

Two nights ago I decided to play games with the female one. I waited until she was just about to enter the first stage of reenergization, I then softly leaped up onto the bed and stared until she woke up. This did not take long and it seemed to startle her. Success! I did this three or four times until I heard the male enter the living area, I then snuck under the bed again to wait until he laid down. Unfortunately for me, I fell asleep and didn't awaken until the female stirred and left the dwelling. This did give me a good opportunity with the male. I decided to do my experiment on him as well. I proved to be a success, it had the same effect on him as it did with the female. I think I have found an effective way to disrupt their reenergization and make them weaker so they will give in to my many whims. 

Last night I decided to give them a bit of a break. The female went to bed earlier than the male, she took the two pesky dogs with her but, much to my dismay, closed the door before I could get in! I pounced on the door until the male got up from whatever useless task he was doing and opened the door. I must learn how to work door knobs, if it is not fully latched I have figured out how to use my paws and body to open them, however when it is latched I am (partially) at their mercy. This must be remedied. 

Back on topic, after the male opened the door I snuck in and jumped up on the bed for some observation time. Unfortunately, the dogs were on the bed with the female... I was unsure whether I should chance staying up there and waking them up or if I should just find a nice place under the bed to curl up and sleep. I decided to take a change and conquer the most prized position on the bed - the pillows. The female was using one to support her head, but there were quite a few others which were not in use. The stupid dogs were near the bottom of the bed - apparently they do not know that that is the most dangerous part of the bed; easily kicked, unable to view all spaces without moving AND they were actually under the cover giving them absolutely no view at all. These animals seriously do not have the extremely intelligence that I do. I must have under estimated how tired I was myself, simply foolish. I fell asleep quickly and didn't wake until after the female had left. 

I must begin to record their schedule, it will be extremely useful when I plan my escape after my experimenting and manipulation is done. 

I must go now, the female is coming back to her computer - if she sees me on here or realizes what I am doing all of my efforts will have been in vain. The humans must not figure out what I am doing. 

- TKKAL (The Kitten Known As Leiki)