Obligatory Valentine's Post

For me, posting around Valentine's Day is something that I feel I am obliged to do. You see, just over a year ago, the male let the female get a cat as a Valentine's Day present and they chose me. Out of all the young kittens, adults, fluff balls, nut jobs and lazy butts, they decided to bring me home. I have rifled through their emails enough to know that they did look at others; they really had no prerequisites in what they wanted. I can only assume it was fate that brought us all together.


Enough of that cheesy stuff now, onto the real post. As exquisit, inquisitive, single feline, I feel much the same way that most of the human equivalents of myself feel around this time of year. No, not the desire to be with someone, nor to fill my face with sweet things that some desperate soul brought me, rather how downright creepy the whole thing can be. I will now prove my point through the wonderful art of music.


Many of your "love songs" fall right into the creepy category. How many of you have listened to a song and said, "I wish my boyfriend/husband/whatever was like that"? To that I say, actually listen to the words - all of them. When you do this, you will realize that your dream significant other may very well be a perverted psychopath (sorry to any musicians that I offend with this post, perhaps you shouldn't take it to seriously... after all, I am a cat).


Example #1


The Police - Every Breath You Take


The female apparently remembers dancing to this at different functions during her youth, although I believe she was a tad too young for that. Who knows though, maybe 80s music made a comeback in the 90s.


This one is just too easy, I'm not even going to bother typing out all of the lyrics. Just pretend that you're saying these words to someone you love... right before they run away screaming.


Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Can't you just picture Sting hanging around some bushes infront of your bedroom window muttering this to himself?

Example #2

Adam Cohen - What Other Guy

This song is the one that brought on the idea for this entire post. The female is slightly addicted to CBC Radio 2 and has a bit of a crush on this guy's father, Leonard Cohen, even though he is old enough to be her grandfather (maybe we'll get onto that topic in another post... she also has a crush on Kris Kristofferson). So it's no surprise that when this song comes on, she starts singing along and probably dances, I'm not sure of that last part because I run out of the room whenever she gets up while music is playing for fear that she'll try to dance with me like she does with those mutts. 

Anyways, onto the lyrics. This is just a small sampling, but pretty much the entire song goes like this. Google the lyrics or click on the link to watch the video. 

I know how many years of French you took

your favorite movies, your favorite books

I know what really gets you going… glowing

I know where you go with your beautiful friends

I know what you taste like when the night ends

I know the kind of thing that makes you laugh

the way you tilt your head for a photograph

what other guy knows you like that?

And I can name the first guy you ever kissed

I can name the perfume on your wrist

What other guy knows you like that?

Very romantic in theory, who doesn't want a guy that knows everything about you? But think about it a little bit. How does he know all of this? Did he call your parents and ask? Did he break into your apartment or rifle through your medicine cabinet while pretending to pee? Did he look at every picture of you on Facebook? Yes, I do know this song is about a specific person, but still... 

Example #3

The Ramones - Needles and Pins

I thought I'd add something a little more fast paced in here. The Ramones have long been one of the females favourite bands, she has a very eclectic taste in music. One of her favourite songs by them is I Wanna Be Sedated, I think she bops around the most to that one. 

This first bit here reminds me a bit of what I'm told high school is like...

I saw her today, I saw her face 
It was the face of love, and I knew 
I had to run away 

But then it goes to this...

I didn't think I'd do, but now I see 
She's worth to him than me, let her go ahead 
Take his love instead, and one day she will see
Just how to say please, and get down on her knees
Oh that's how it begins, she'll feel those needle and pins
Hurtin' her, hurtin' her

Yeah, I'm just going to leave this one at that. Draw your own conclusions... 

So we go onto... 

Example #4

Andy Stochansky - 22 Steps (Streaming Audio)

You thought I'd ignore the creepy Canadian love songs just because I'm Canadian? Oh, how wrong you were. 

The female has actually met Mr. Stochansky and seen him in concert on multiple occasions, she assures me that he is a very nice man, as I'm sure most of the artists that I've mentioned in this posting are. 

It sounds like all Andy wants to do is save this poor woman from the seemingly shitty relationship that she's in. 

If I were him,
I'd know your birthday.
Just what to get,
The colors you wear.

We'd buy old bikes,
We'd ride on Sundays.
You'd review the books I sent.

And I know,
It takes 22 steps,
From the walk to your door,
It takes 22 steps,
Because I've tried it before.
And one day I'll knock,
But just not yet.

If I were him,
I'd buy the raincoat,
The orange one, 
That he forbade.
We'd wait for rain,
We'd walk by his house.
In the front,
Not by the lane.

He fanticizes how things would be if he was with this girl, but what if that's not what she wants? Maybe she doesn't like reading. Or riding bikes.

And finally...

Example #5

Hall & Oates - Private Eyes

For our grand finale, we're going to now pick on Hall & Oates. I'll keep this one short. 

You can't escape my
Private Eyes
They're watching you
They see your every move
Private Eyes
They're watching you
Private Eyes

Enough said. 

There were many songs that didn't make it onto my small list for one reason or another, mostly I wanted to include songs from bands that the humans actually listen to. Rest assured though folks, female singers and bands can be just as creepy. Don't believe me? Check out Blondie's One Way or Another.

That's all for now,

- TKKAL

The Death Stare

I decided to take a moment to instruct you all on how to give a proper, intense, bone chilling death stare.

This is one of the best tools that we posses to instill fear in our humans, cementing our position as masters to our humans. The benefits of this include, but are not limited to; access to food whenever you want, possession of the finest sleeping spots, treats on demand, the best toys... the list can go on and on, it's all up to you and how well you train your human.

This will be the first lesson in a series, so keep checking back for more information.

This is the look at we are going for. It is intese, menacing and will worry your humans to no end. They will have no idea what's going on in your head or what your next move will be, even if you don't have one. In short, it will keep them on edge and remind them not to mess with you.

To begin, you need to secure your backend to the floor. The human may try to move you before you are ready, so this is incredibly important. You must make yourself immovable.

Take note of how I use my tail to steady myself, but also to potentially trip my human if she does not take notice of where I am. My feet are firmly planted to the floor and I have shifted all of my weight to my bottom.

The death stare will have the greatest effect if you slowly turn your body towards the human, whilst keeping your back towards them. I have taken this photo from the side to show proper paw placement while rotating.

Twitch your tail slightly, and slowly raise your head until your eyes meet the human's. The final effect should look very similar to this;

If you are going for a particularly evil look, stare into a bright light before turning around quickly. This will make your pupils appear to be slits to the humans. If you really want to scare them, add a small, low hiss or growl at the end.

- TKKAL

Where Have I Been?

It has been a long 3 months in my little world.

It all started in November when the female decided that we were going to move and gave notice at our apartment, saying that we would be out January 31st (which also happens to be her birthday - I got her a dead mouse). Almost immediately, I lost my computer privileges. Once the realization of what she had done sunk in, she began frantically searching Kijiji, craigslist.com and other such sites for a suitable living space for the lot of us. Some places were too small, others were too expensive, still more were just too far from where she wanted us all to live. She made a list of must haves in our new home, here is a small section of the list; within a reasonable walking distance to downtown (if not downtown), no extremely small kitchens, must have a balcony, must have secure entry, must be all inclusive, must be pet friendly, must have parking, etc. To top it all off, she wanted this place to cost less than $900! I was certain that we would soon be homeless and on the rare occasion that I did get a chance to slip onto the computer, I would search the want ads looking for a home that wanted a slightly ornery cat.

The female did find a place for us to live and set a move in date of January 9th. She figured that would give us just over a month to pack and we'd have about three weeks to finish cleaning out our old apartment. Plenty of time, she'd say. Pfffft. You should have seen her scrambling the last week before the big move in day. She scrambled even more when, two days before we were to move, she realized that she had not hired a moving company yet. Stupid human.

I will spare you the details of the move, it was not a dignified one with yours truly suck in a big metal crate with the two dumb mutts for five hours, but it happend and finally we had a new home. When we were finally let out of the makeshift prison, the stupid dogs ran all over the place while I made sure I had a proper toilet and my own place to eat. Imagine my horror when I walked into the room that contained my toilet, only to find that it was also the mangy, stumpy, legged mutt's bedroom! I showed my displeasure that evening by taking the time to knock over every carefully placed item and box in the apartment.

I did that for nearly a week straight. The female was starting to get angry with me. She began locking me in the room that I shared with the mutts while she was out of the apartment. I needed to get on her good side again if I was ever going to take over the world.

So we come to this;

Yes, that is myself. Yes, I have lowered myself to doing tricks for treats. It is all part of my master plan. Trust me.

I must be off now, it smells like there is a pot of chili on the stove that would look better on the floor,
TKKAL