They Are Back...

I suppose my panic was all for nothing.

The humans came back in the afternoon the next day. Apparently, the pesky dogs went to visit their grandparents while the humans went to a birthday party.

I was a little hungry because of my previous indiscretion with the food situation, but next time I will be more careful.

When they leave the next time I will make sure to prop something in the door or the window so that I will have a chance to escape, or perhaps I should dress up as one of the dogs and make my escape that way...

I must get off now, the humans are making some dinner and keep looking over at me wondering what I'm doing on the computer.

- TKKAL

The Humans Left Me!

I knew something was up when the humans packed up the dogs and loaded my food dish up with food, but I never thought it was this! They left me here, all alone - so far for a few hours! No laser pointer play time, no cleaning out my toilet right after I go, no one for me to meow at and annoy. The windows are shut and locked, as is the door, so there is absolutely no chance of escape.

Of course, I assumed that the extra food was just a treat and dug in, eating it all in one sitting. It has been a few hours and they are still not back. I will need to figure out how to open tins of food soon, my stomach is already starting to gurgle with hunger. Perhaps I can get into the treats that they have up on different shelves throughout the dwelling.

I shall update soon as the situation reveals itself.

- TKKAL

Playing With Food

Now, most people or other cats will tell you that you aren't supposed to play with your food before you eat it. It's a common saying among parents to their offspring, but I say poo poo to that!

Here is my guide on how to properly eat your food!

First, sneak up on your prey and make sure that it doesn't see you...

The next step is to make yourself as big as possible to scare it into submission...

The next step is to bat it around, often considered playing, but serving a much more important purpose of course.

Then you must carry your dinner to an appropriate place to consume it. I chose my regular feeding station. 

Then you dig in and eat it. I will spare you all the photos of that. 

Hopefully my post has proven useful to those of you that weren't sure how to eat properly, or convinced your parents to allow you to play with your food. And I am a bit sorry for those of you that opened this without warning of graphic photographs but remember, I am a cat. 

- TKKAL

My Beautiful Blue Eyes

The female took some lovely photos of me today, so I thought I would share my beauty with you since I have nothing to report in regards to torturing the humans.

Here I am sitting on the edge of the bathtub. This is what I do to bother the female while she's using the toilet. She is not using the toilet in this picture, that would be weird.

And here is another that was taken right after I enjoyed my dinner. Don't I look beautiful?

The lighting really brings out my beauty and accentuates my muscly body. 

That is all for now, I have some big plans for torturing the humans coming up in the next few days so there should be some good posts coming up!

- TKKAL

INTRUDER ALERT!!

Since the installation of the new windows, I have been spending much more time on the sill trying to figure out a way to escape. Alas, if only I still had my front claws, unfortunately, they were removed prior to coming to this place.

During my night watch duties in the sill the other night I heard a familiar sound - meowing. I was interested at first - perhaps it was another cat trapped in an apartment that I could conspire with and contro... errr... befriend. Much to my dismay, when I responded, the meowing got closer... and closer.. and closer, until, finally, it was right below the window. This immediately angered me - why did this cat get to enjoy the freedom and power of roaming around outside? My only other thought was that, just maybe, this cat would aid me in my escape. Surely a cat outside would have his claws. I invited him up to the sill on the other side of the window. Thankfully, it had been rather warm outside and the humans had opened the window so that the screen was exposed and we could chat freely without causing much alarm to any humans around.

During our conversation I learned that he was very fond of the humans and seemed rather dull witted, in my opinion. However, I continued to chat with him, positive that I would be able to convince him to rip open the window and be my minion. The female had other plans though and chased him away. I am now positive that she is firmly against the thought of me having minions - after all, look what she did to my previous ones!

Once she had settled back in her position on the couch and was engrossed in the television program Storage Wars, I invited him back to continue our conversation. This did not last much longer and he quickly proved that he would be no use to me as he had also had his claws removed. I immediately wanted this fool gone, but he would not leave and insisted on rubbing his dumb face all over my beautiful window screen. I growled at him to no avail, even resorting to hissing, but he was as steadfast as I was on the sill. As much as I don't like to admit it, I needed the help of the female, but how was I to get her attention? Simple, doing laps around the apartment with the aid of the dogs.

Now, for those of you that aren't familiar with the pesky mutts that I must share this space with, they are dachshunds. These dogs are notorious for chasing anything that moves whist making as much noise as they possibly can. Unlike other small breeds, they have an unnaturally deep bark that makes them sound about 20x bigger than they actually are. This greatly annoys the female, especially at night. For a visual reference, here are the two that reside here:

As you can see, they are rather dumb and will do whatever anyone tells them to. 

My plan was successful, the minute I leaped from the window and started running around they gave chase, barking their dumb little heads off. The female immediately followed, so I jumped back in the window and started my growling and hissing at the orange cat in the window. The female proceeded to grab a water bottle and squirt the cat, which of course made him jump away. We were done with him... or so I thought. 

What does that dumb cat do next? He jumped right back onto MY SILL. I was not taking too kindly to this invasion of my space. I needed another plan. 

The humans have the dogs trained to ring a bell by the door when they have to go outside to use the bathroom. I decided to use this, and the fact that those mutts follow me around everywhere, to my advantage. I gracefully lept from the window once again and trotted over to the door, knowing full well that the dogs would follow me there. I proceeded to ring the bell exactly as they would, then jumped up on my perch by the door. When the female looked over, she never suspected that I was actually the one to ring the bell and came over and put their restraints on. I went back to my sill to watch the action unfold - surely the dogs would teach that stupid cat a lesson. 

Unfortunately, I managed to forget that with the restraints on the dogs were about as useless as the orange cat. When the door opened, the cat looked down at the dogs and took off under a car. Phase one of the plan was successful. I hoped that even through the restraints the dogs would managed to give him a good enough scare that he wouldn't come back. 

When they came back inside, I waited patiently in my sill for about an hour. Every once in awhile I would give a good growl and hiss, thumping my tail against the wall, just so that he would know he wasn't welcome. At about 3 am, I decided that my plan had succeeded and went to bed. 

The orange cat has not returned since. 

- TKKAL

My Absence...

I am deeply apologetic for my absence, but I do have a good excuse... I have been exercising and training myself, with the help of the female (unbeknownst to her). I am positive that with this new found muscle tone, agility and my amazing jumping skills, I will soon be able to escape.

I had the female video tape my jumping so that you could all see. Of course, being a human, she had to take it too far and added all kinds of little things to the video. This is where I would be rolling my "googly eyes" if you could see me.

Here is the video, if you are interested in watching. I must say though, before you watch, that I was getting quite tired at this point so my jumping skills aren't fully represented.

The female has also had questions about the song that is playing in the background of the video. It is the Canadian artist, Kate Maki, singing her song Badminton Racket. I must say, it is a lovely song.

Anywho - I must get back to doing laps around the apartment while the female attempts to sleep. It annoys her a great deal, which of course gives me great pleasure. It also makes the brown dog jump over the gate, which also annoys her.

- TKKAL

I Have Been Thwarted

I suppose I should preface this by showing my past escape attempts, for those of you that may not be faithful readers (shame on you!).

The first attempt, escaping out the door whilst the female was checking the mail, was not captured on camera (thankfully, as it wasn't very graceful or in good taste - more of a mad dash). 

This was my second attempt. You will notice how well I blend in with the glass and other miscellaneous and useless human belongings. The box also matched my hair quite nicely. 

Unfortunately, the humans didn't take the box out of the apartment while I was in it, so that didn't work. 

I decided that boxes filled with recycling were my next best shot. I attempted to put this theory to the test this past week. I figured that the brown along my body might blend in with the brown of the liquor store bags and the beautiful blue in my eyes might blend in with the Oreo Jello pudding packaging. 

Unfortunately for me, the humans are just as reliable for taking out their recycling as they are timely in taking their donations to the donation place.

Next, I decided that I should perhaps try to make friends with one of the pesky dogs. I figured if I could assimilate with them, the humans may not notice and I would be able to slip out when they take them out to use the bathroom. I will never understand why they get to treat the world as their toilet while I have to poop in a box.

That also did not work. 

Now I have taken up post right beside the door. As you can see in the picture, I have cleverly hidden myself on top of the female's jacket. I am also within reaching distance of everything that the humans grab when they go out the door - the keys are above me, the purse is beside me, as are the leashes, shoes are beneath me (little bit of a pun there, because I don't wear shoes), and the leashes for the mutts are between myself and the purse. 

I had a feeling that she may see me when reaching for her jacket, so I took the old "if I can't see you, you can't see me approach". 

I didn't work and I was forced off the jacket. As you can see below, this is my "I hate you right now" face.

My other plan was to escape out the window during the summer when they humans had them open. I go on the sill quite often, after all, I must survey the territory that will soon be mine. The screen that keeps me in when the windows are open was torn at the side. My plan was to slip through that space when the weather was warm enough for the humans to open the windows.

Unfortunately (I've been saying that quite a bit lately), I was locked in the human litterbox the other day. Upon my release, I came to realize that it was noticeably warmer. Something was not quite right and I ran to check my future escape hole. At some point during my incarceration the entire window had been replaced! In addition to the screen, there are now two panes of glass separating me from the outside world.

I must go rest up now and save my energy, my mind is buzzing with new plans and I need my beauty sleep to bring them to fruition.

- TKKAL