Obligatory Valentine's Post

For me, posting around Valentine's Day is something that I feel I am obliged to do. You see, just over a year ago, the male let the female get a cat as a Valentine's Day present and they chose me. Out of all the young kittens, adults, fluff balls, nut jobs and lazy butts, they decided to bring me home. I have rifled through their emails enough to know that they did look at others; they really had no prerequisites in what they wanted. I can only assume it was fate that brought us all together.


Enough of that cheesy stuff now, onto the real post. As exquisit, inquisitive, single feline, I feel much the same way that most of the human equivalents of myself feel around this time of year. No, not the desire to be with someone, nor to fill my face with sweet things that some desperate soul brought me, rather how downright creepy the whole thing can be. I will now prove my point through the wonderful art of music.


Many of your "love songs" fall right into the creepy category. How many of you have listened to a song and said, "I wish my boyfriend/husband/whatever was like that"? To that I say, actually listen to the words - all of them. When you do this, you will realize that your dream significant other may very well be a perverted psychopath (sorry to any musicians that I offend with this post, perhaps you shouldn't take it to seriously... after all, I am a cat).


Example #1


The Police - Every Breath You Take


The female apparently remembers dancing to this at different functions during her youth, although I believe she was a tad too young for that. Who knows though, maybe 80s music made a comeback in the 90s.


This one is just too easy, I'm not even going to bother typing out all of the lyrics. Just pretend that you're saying these words to someone you love... right before they run away screaming.


Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Can't you just picture Sting hanging around some bushes infront of your bedroom window muttering this to himself?

Example #2

Adam Cohen - What Other Guy

This song is the one that brought on the idea for this entire post. The female is slightly addicted to CBC Radio 2 and has a bit of a crush on this guy's father, Leonard Cohen, even though he is old enough to be her grandfather (maybe we'll get onto that topic in another post... she also has a crush on Kris Kristofferson). So it's no surprise that when this song comes on, she starts singing along and probably dances, I'm not sure of that last part because I run out of the room whenever she gets up while music is playing for fear that she'll try to dance with me like she does with those mutts. 

Anyways, onto the lyrics. This is just a small sampling, but pretty much the entire song goes like this. Google the lyrics or click on the link to watch the video. 

I know how many years of French you took

your favorite movies, your favorite books

I know what really gets you going… glowing

I know where you go with your beautiful friends

I know what you taste like when the night ends

I know the kind of thing that makes you laugh

the way you tilt your head for a photograph

what other guy knows you like that?

And I can name the first guy you ever kissed

I can name the perfume on your wrist

What other guy knows you like that?

Very romantic in theory, who doesn't want a guy that knows everything about you? But think about it a little bit. How does he know all of this? Did he call your parents and ask? Did he break into your apartment or rifle through your medicine cabinet while pretending to pee? Did he look at every picture of you on Facebook? Yes, I do know this song is about a specific person, but still... 

Example #3

The Ramones - Needles and Pins

I thought I'd add something a little more fast paced in here. The Ramones have long been one of the females favourite bands, she has a very eclectic taste in music. One of her favourite songs by them is I Wanna Be Sedated, I think she bops around the most to that one. 

This first bit here reminds me a bit of what I'm told high school is like...

I saw her today, I saw her face 
It was the face of love, and I knew 
I had to run away 

But then it goes to this...

I didn't think I'd do, but now I see 
She's worth to him than me, let her go ahead 
Take his love instead, and one day she will see
Just how to say please, and get down on her knees
Oh that's how it begins, she'll feel those needle and pins
Hurtin' her, hurtin' her

Yeah, I'm just going to leave this one at that. Draw your own conclusions... 

So we go onto... 

Example #4

Andy Stochansky - 22 Steps (Streaming Audio)

You thought I'd ignore the creepy Canadian love songs just because I'm Canadian? Oh, how wrong you were. 

The female has actually met Mr. Stochansky and seen him in concert on multiple occasions, she assures me that he is a very nice man, as I'm sure most of the artists that I've mentioned in this posting are. 

It sounds like all Andy wants to do is save this poor woman from the seemingly shitty relationship that she's in. 

If I were him,
I'd know your birthday.
Just what to get,
The colors you wear.

We'd buy old bikes,
We'd ride on Sundays.
You'd review the books I sent.

And I know,
It takes 22 steps,
From the walk to your door,
It takes 22 steps,
Because I've tried it before.
And one day I'll knock,
But just not yet.

If I were him,
I'd buy the raincoat,
The orange one, 
That he forbade.
We'd wait for rain,
We'd walk by his house.
In the front,
Not by the lane.

He fanticizes how things would be if he was with this girl, but what if that's not what she wants? Maybe she doesn't like reading. Or riding bikes.

And finally...

Example #5

Hall & Oates - Private Eyes

For our grand finale, we're going to now pick on Hall & Oates. I'll keep this one short. 

You can't escape my
Private Eyes
They're watching you
They see your every move
Private Eyes
They're watching you
Private Eyes

Enough said. 

There were many songs that didn't make it onto my small list for one reason or another, mostly I wanted to include songs from bands that the humans actually listen to. Rest assured though folks, female singers and bands can be just as creepy. Don't believe me? Check out Blondie's One Way or Another.

That's all for now,

- TKKAL

The Death Stare

I decided to take a moment to instruct you all on how to give a proper, intense, bone chilling death stare.

This is one of the best tools that we posses to instill fear in our humans, cementing our position as masters to our humans. The benefits of this include, but are not limited to; access to food whenever you want, possession of the finest sleeping spots, treats on demand, the best toys... the list can go on and on, it's all up to you and how well you train your human.

This will be the first lesson in a series, so keep checking back for more information.

This is the look at we are going for. It is intese, menacing and will worry your humans to no end. They will have no idea what's going on in your head or what your next move will be, even if you don't have one. In short, it will keep them on edge and remind them not to mess with you.

To begin, you need to secure your backend to the floor. The human may try to move you before you are ready, so this is incredibly important. You must make yourself immovable.

Take note of how I use my tail to steady myself, but also to potentially trip my human if she does not take notice of where I am. My feet are firmly planted to the floor and I have shifted all of my weight to my bottom.

The death stare will have the greatest effect if you slowly turn your body towards the human, whilst keeping your back towards them. I have taken this photo from the side to show proper paw placement while rotating.

Twitch your tail slightly, and slowly raise your head until your eyes meet the human's. The final effect should look very similar to this;

If you are going for a particularly evil look, stare into a bright light before turning around quickly. This will make your pupils appear to be slits to the humans. If you really want to scare them, add a small, low hiss or growl at the end.

- TKKAL

Where Have I Been?

It has been a long 3 months in my little world.

It all started in November when the female decided that we were going to move and gave notice at our apartment, saying that we would be out January 31st (which also happens to be her birthday - I got her a dead mouse). Almost immediately, I lost my computer privileges. Once the realization of what she had done sunk in, she began frantically searching Kijiji, craigslist.com and other such sites for a suitable living space for the lot of us. Some places were too small, others were too expensive, still more were just too far from where she wanted us all to live. She made a list of must haves in our new home, here is a small section of the list; within a reasonable walking distance to downtown (if not downtown), no extremely small kitchens, must have a balcony, must have secure entry, must be all inclusive, must be pet friendly, must have parking, etc. To top it all off, she wanted this place to cost less than $900! I was certain that we would soon be homeless and on the rare occasion that I did get a chance to slip onto the computer, I would search the want ads looking for a home that wanted a slightly ornery cat.

The female did find a place for us to live and set a move in date of January 9th. She figured that would give us just over a month to pack and we'd have about three weeks to finish cleaning out our old apartment. Plenty of time, she'd say. Pfffft. You should have seen her scrambling the last week before the big move in day. She scrambled even more when, two days before we were to move, she realized that she had not hired a moving company yet. Stupid human.

I will spare you the details of the move, it was not a dignified one with yours truly suck in a big metal crate with the two dumb mutts for five hours, but it happend and finally we had a new home. When we were finally let out of the makeshift prison, the stupid dogs ran all over the place while I made sure I had a proper toilet and my own place to eat. Imagine my horror when I walked into the room that contained my toilet, only to find that it was also the mangy, stumpy, legged mutt's bedroom! I showed my displeasure that evening by taking the time to knock over every carefully placed item and box in the apartment.

I did that for nearly a week straight. The female was starting to get angry with me. She began locking me in the room that I shared with the mutts while she was out of the apartment. I needed to get on her good side again if I was ever going to take over the world.

So we come to this;

Yes, that is myself. Yes, I have lowered myself to doing tricks for treats. It is all part of my master plan. Trust me.

I must be off now, it smells like there is a pot of chili on the stove that would look better on the floor,
TKKAL

My Nearly Successful Attempt At Escape

This was my second attempt this week, however both attempts have proven futile and I'm not positive that I should continue at this point. If I do, the humans may begin to inspect everything that leaves the confines of the apartment and I will have no chance.

If anyone is interested in this attempt, I will explain my plan.

The humans have been busy the past few days, they seem to be purging their living space of anything "unnecessary" and putting those things in a box labelled "donations". I suspected that this box may be leaving the premises, and thought that it was the perfect opportunity to rid myself of the humans and the pesky mutts. What a joy that would be; no more dogs chasing me around, no more being told "bad kitty, you're going to break that", the world would be my litterbox.

I managed to "borrow" the female's camera and take this picture, using the self timer on the camera of course, to illustrate my escape.

In case you were wondering, I was not planning on showing my body whist hiding in this box. However, my plan was thwarted once again when the humans decided not to go to Goodwill that day. I ended up hiding in the box for hours, only to realize after they had gone to sleep, that I was not going anywhere.

I have decided to resume my current position here for the time being, after all, I  do get free food and what not... at least until the next opportunity arises.

-TKKAL

Sweet, Sweet Freedom

I managed to escape today.

The female was going to "check the mail", so I slipped out when the door was open. Unfortunately for me, she saw me and gave chase. I quickly darted down the hall, hoping that she would tire and give up when, all of a sudden, a door opened and there was a rather large scary man standing there. I immediately bolted in the opposite direction, when I saw the female I bolted the other way and encountered the man again. I was stuck. The female captured me, much to my displeasure. I attempted one last shot at freedom by screeching loudly and using my back claws to scratch, but alas, here I am, sitting at the female's computer tell you all about my missed chance at freedom.

All was not lost though, I did manage to get her pretty good on her neck and her stomach. Hopefully, those will scar and she will be permanently have the mark of TKKAL on her, much like Zorro.

-TKKAL

Blogger? Tumblr? Twitter?

Why does everything end in an r, or er, sound? Perhaps it's easier for humans to pronounce those noises... whatever the case may be, I have now joined a few more sites to help spread my message and convert fellow kittens and cats to master human controllers. I am well on my way, and you can be too!

My "Twitter" and "Tumblr" accounts are linked together, it seems that if I post on one, the other is updated as well. In either case, leikikiki.tumblr.com is the Tumblr account and twitter.com/leikikiki is the Twitter account. I suspect that they will be updated nearly daily and they will alert you to new blogs on here.

If I ever figure out what an RSS feed is, perhaps I will be able to connect all accounts, but for now, this seems to work well. Feel free to follow on any of the accounts, I am currently resisting the urge to steal the female's chequebook and give prizes for retweets, but that may come in the near future... I just need to figure out a way to hold a pen.

-TKKAL

No More Dogs!

My plan has been working, the dogs are now out of the home. I am hoping it is forever, however the humans keep mentioning them and how they miss them, so I suspect that they will be coming back at some point.

Since they have been gone I have been remodelling the apartment to my specific likings. I have successfully placed as many of the humans possessions on the floor as possible and also rearranged the pillows so that I can get under (and into) the couch again. They had put quite a few things in behind and along the top to try and thwart me, but it didn't work, and I can only assume that they haven't noticed as it hasn't been changed yet.

My plan until the dogs come over is to destroy things and hide them under the couch. Once the dogs come back, I will slowly bring things out and place them need the dogs when they are sleeping. The humans will see the dogs with the destroyed possessions and soon the dogs will be gone for good!

I see no flaws in my plan but I must be careful to execute it perfectly.

-TKKAL (aka Kiki Meow Meows)

They Are Gone...

Yesterday was absolutely horrible. The humans loaded me up in the "carrier", which is more like a rolling suitcase, and put me in the car. I attempted to undo the zipper on the way from the door to the car, but was thwarted by the bumps as the carrier was rolling along the ground.

We got to the vet where things only got worse. First, I was put in this big white thing while they weighed me. Don't they know you're never supposed to ask a girl about her weight? Well this was even worse because I had no say in it. Nonetheless, I was very good and just laid there.

Next, I was taken from the white thing and put on a big, cold, metal table. It was also very shiny, which was quite distracting as the light kept going into my eyes. While I was on this table the lady that was apparently the vet kept looking at my eyes, at one point she said I have the typical siamese "googly eyes". I DO NOT HAVE GOOGLY EYES! Dumb vet lady, obviously my eyes were going weird because the table was so shiny and because she had her face right in mine so it was hard to focus.

After making rude comments about my beautiful eyes, she started poking her fingers around my mouth and looked at my teeth. Apparently, I have very nice teeth. I suppose that partly makes up for the googly eyes comment. I was so stunned about it all that I missed the perfect opportunity to chomp down and draw blood.

I am having trouble deciding which of the next two things that happened was worse... first she stuck something up my bum, and then she stuck her finger down my throat to "give me medicine". I'll let you decide, it's too traumatic to even remember at this point.

My minions will be leaving me over the next few days. I am very sad about this but am seriously debating on leaving a big pile of them right on the humans' pillows. I also heard talk of a finger being stuck down my throat again in two weeks when I get more "medicine". Someone please send help. I cannot do this on my own. This has to be some form of abuse.

Oh, and to top it all off, the female took a picture of me while I was on the table. I think I will leave the minions on her pillow.

-TKKAL

(Leiki's "female" here... she doesn't think I know about this blog, but of course she isn't smart enough to clear her history after using the computer. Here is the photo of her at the vet, just to embarrass her a little. She's lucky I didn't take it while they were taking her temperature.)

My Minions...

The humans have caught on to the minions I have been shedding. They say that I'm going to the vet tomorrow so that they're all gone and I'll feel better. Obviously they don't know that I was putting them there on purpose! How else am I to figure out what they're up to when I'm not in the room? I suppose I'm going to have to look into a more technological way to monitor their behaviour now. Apparently, they do not appreciate having to feed the minions unknowingly as well. They say that they eat about as much as I do and apparently take some of the nutrients that I need. If I had known that I wouldn't have agreed to let the little buggers live inside of me.

Perhaps I should work on the pesky dogs and try to get them on my side now... Any ideas on how to train something that is more dumb than a brick?

-TKKAL

The New Way To Annoy.

I have found a new way to annoy both the humans and the stupid mutts. It works particularly well on the humans, as it obviously causes discomfort, but the beauty of it is, when the humans yelp out the dogs also yelp and bark! I must figure out if there is some correlation in their DNA that causes them to share feelings, or if the dogs are just that dumb that they yelp whenever the humans do so.

So here is my tip for fellow felines that want to harass their humans. First, you need to act all cuddly. When they are sure that you want to cuddle with them they will lay close to you, or perhaps even reach out to touch you. It is at this point that you attack. I have found out the hard way that it is better to attack hands and arms than faces. They seem to get overly angry when you attack their faces.

I have also perfected the best way to attack the hand and/or arm. First, grab the arm with your paws. If you have claws, this is the time to dig them in. Wrap them around the human's arm or wrist as tight as you can. The next step is to gently bite the hand, start off soft so that they think you are playing, when they begin to laugh start biting harder. This must be done quickly so that their defence system doesn't kick in. Once you begin to bite hard, you absolutely must also get your back feet in. I will refer to this as a rabbit kick, not because I am particularly fond of rabbits, but because it looks similar to what they do when they move around. This is the exact motion that you want to do with your back feet, make sure that your claws are out when you do this for maximum effect.

I must warn you though, most humans do not find this game as amusing as we do. It is imperative that you have a safe hiding place where the humans cannot get to you quickly. The longer it takes for them to get you out, the quicker their anger fades into concern for you, and the quicker you can repeat the attack.

I sincerely hope that you all enjoy this spot of advice and use it wisely,
-TKKAL

The Kitten Know As Leeks.

That's what they're calling me now. Leeks. How embarrassing is that? It sounds as though I am constantly leaking some sort of fluid, or that I cause the leaking of some sort of fluid. Of course, I do like the chew on things, but those things consist mostly of the female's hand and my own food, so I'm fairly certain that nothing is really leaking there.

In other news, I have figured out how to break into my food container. Seeing how the food is simply in a bag though I shouldn't consider this much of a feat. Although... I have been opening it from the seal rather than just chewing through the bag like the mangy mutts do... Anyways, this has caused the female great distress today. I am thoroughly pleased. She did not catch on right away, so I continued for about half an hour. She would come and close the bag, I would promptly open it and gorge myself, she would then scold me and tell me that I would get "fat", seal the bag again, then the process would repeat itself. She eventually figured out that she needed to move the bag out of my reach. I am determined this evening to access the bag. If this fails, I will keep her awake all night since I am positive she works in the morning.

She also keeps mentioning a "photo shoot" that she wants to do with me and the fish. Does she not realize what a bad idea this is for her? She will most certainly lose one of her precious fish during this process, and it will make a tasty snack for myself. Perhaps I should encourage this "shoot"...

I am almost positive that I mentioned the "gate" before. It's a small barricade that allows me to go into the human's bedroom but keeps the dumb dogs out. I found out today that there is a door in it! What am I to do if the humans leave the door open? Those stupid dogs will be able to come and go and I will have no place to go to avoid them! I swear, my dear readers, sometimes it is rather difficult living with all of these fools.

The female seems to be in an aggravated state this evening, so I must bid you ado before she catches me on her machine, as I'm sure that would just aggravate her further. Good night all,
-TKKAL

Why All The Changes?!

The humans keep changing things whenever I find something fun to do. It's really starting to get on my nerves.

The other day the female moved the human bedroom all around because I "keep doing zoomies over the bed and up into the window in the middle of the night". Apparently, that keeps them awake and they don't appreciate it. Little do they know, my plan was to keep them awake all along. Now that the bed has been moved to a spot that prevents me from doing this I have had to figure out a new way to keep them up, one that doesn't involve jumping up on the bed but that still allows me to go into the window so I can see what's going on... and figure out how to open it. I decided to run as fast as I can through the apartment, then, just before entering the bedroom, screech as loud as I can as I jump onto a chair and into the window. This had been working well, until they put a small gate up over the bedroom door. I think they thought it would prevent me from tearing into the bedroom at full speed and perhaps stop the screeching... they were wrong. They have just made me an obstacle course so that I may become more fit and agile. Perhaps I should knock down some things to create more obstacles for myself.

-TKKAL

The Necklace

My humans have this thing that they like to put on my neck when other humans come over, I have seen the female wear one occasionally, she has referred to it as a necklace, so I can only assume that's what mine is as well. I do not like to wear it, it is annoying but from what I understand it's for my "safety, incase I get out".

Last night was the male human's birthday, naturally he had some friends over for this. The female put my necklace on, much to my displeasure, and then had the gaul to make loud noises at me if I tried to get it off! I spent a lot of time perfecting my technique for getting the annoying monstrosity off of my beautiful neck, but, of couse, they don't appreciate that. Dumb humans.

Now, normally, when the rest of the humans leave, my necklace is taken off. Last night, however, one human stayed overnight so it was left on. After everyone went to bed I got to work trying to remove the stupid thing. It seems that they have tightened it since the last time I wore it though and my mouth got caught. I had to admit defeat against the fabric and walk calmly to the humans room to wake the female up so she could remove it. It's at times like these when I wish I was a polydactyl cat, those extra digits would surely come in handy. Eventually, I was able to wake the female up and she removed the constricting device. I now need find a way to show her that I am grateful for her freeing me, but in a manner that will not make her think that I am starting to like her more. Any suggestions?

-TKKAL

The Humans Are Talking...

I was pretending to sleep earlier today while the female was on the phone. As much as I love listening to phone conversations I was actually starting to fall asleep so this was a bit of an annoyance. However, I did find out a key piece of information while I was being bothered.

The female was talking to someone - I believe her mother, but I couldn't hear so I can't be sure. Anywho - I believe I have wormed my way into the hearts of these humans. This is a definite success. The female was saying that "her baby is growing up" because they "bought her her first bag of adult food today". Now, this could be either myself or the annoying black dog. Using my genius intelligence I have come to the conclusion that it is me because (a) I am the youngest, and (b) I'm fairly certain that the female has referred to the black dog as being "four years old". Since she is four years old she would already be on adult food - ta da! It's me, I'm the "baby"... although I hardly consider myself a baby.

As for how my plans have been going, I have spent the past few days observing the humans and trying to figure out the red dot. I hate that dot, the other day whilst trying to capture it I had to stop. My mouth opened slightly and my tongue stuck out a bit, my breathing was also heavier. I have heard the humans comment when the dogs do this, they call it "panting". This only adds to my belief that if I don't capture that red dot soon, I will turn into one of the pesky dogs. This is not a good thing, my friends. We all know that us cats are far superior to those pesky little monsters.

Speaking of those pesky little monsters, I have found a new way to amuse myself with them that also takes advantage of the humans overprotectiveness of me. I do laps around the room until the dogs begin to give chase. When I stop they do a few more rounds (after all, they are not the brightest and haven't realized that I'm not moving anymore), then when they finally notice where I am they come up to "play". It is at this point that I let out a loud hiss and swat at them. The humans then reprimand the dogs and I usually get a treat. It is great fun to confuse the humans and the dogs with one little game.

Anywho, I am growing quite fond of this new "adult" food and there is still some left in my bowl.
-TKKAL

The Humans Are Evil.

I am so tired all the time now, that little red dot that moves around the floor keeps coming back just as I am completely rested. I am confident that the humans are to blame for this.

I have figured out that when the female picks up the little black pen and presses something on it, it commands the red dot to come out. I hear it click and then... BAM. Red dot.

I cannot figure this out though. It seems that the dumb brown dog is just as interested in it as I am. I can't help but think that they are either trying to make me dumb as well, make the dumb dog smarter, or confuse us both. I am going to have to go with the first and last options on this because, well, let's face it... that brown dog is never going to be as smart as I am.

I am finding myself distracted by it. The other day I was trying to kill the red dot, I leaped up towards it and as I was going to land I just fell. Right behind the couch. This is not something I would normally tell all of you, however, I feel that by letting others know about this experience you may avoid being as captivated - nay, obsessed - with the red dot as I am. Beware the red dot, it will only bring you trouble.

I have come up with a fun way to annoy the humans without wasting much of my precious energy. Whenever they stand up to get something, I quickly get up and lay down where they were, then fake (or actually on occasion) sleep. Unlike those dumb dogs, I refuse to move when they go to sit down, so they are then forced to sit somewhere else. I repeat this whenever they get up to do something. It is great fun and doesn't waste a lot of energy.

Oooh I hear the male getting up, I must go test out this theory on him.
-TKKAL

What Is Happening?!

I'm not quite sure what is happening. I think I am growing too close to my subjects...

I have found myself waiting for them to get home, and, *gasp* actually wanting to be near them.

This has been bothering me for the past two days, which is why there was no post yesterday. I think I may have found a solution. As much as I seem to like being around them, I also like to bite them. It is great fun and they don't seem to like it too much, which of course just makes it more fun for me. I am confident that this will keep them from petting me too much, luring me in, and, eventually, brainwashing me into being a "nice kitty" as they put it.

I have to keep this short tonight, the female keeps looking for her computer during the breaks on that stupid lit up box they stare at.

- TKKAL

How is this possible?!

When I jumped on the computer just now I noticed that the female had left a website up. To my astonishment one of the pesky dogs was on it! How does a dumb dog make it onto a blog? All she did was walk through some woods - big deal! I could do that easily.

Perhaps I should try to make friends with the female dog, I think her name is Sadie. She seems to have the humans trained quite a bit; whenever she goes to the door they open it and she goes out, if she barks she gets food. This is something that I need to seriously consider, I must figure out how the dog did it. They cater to her every whim!

The Laser...

Today, I saw the dumb brown dog acting like a fool and jumping around all over the place at something. As I went in to investigate it caught my eye... a small red butterfly! As I'm sure everyone knows, I love to eat little bugs and colourful things have more vitamins... it's true with fruit so I'm assuming it's the same for bugs. This butterfly was a tricky thing though, it would dart all over the place and as soon as I'd catch it it would disappear. I spend a very long time searching the floor, walls and ceiling looking for it, then, just as I'd give up, it would appear again.

I would look to the female whenever she would snicker at me, she appeared to have a small black pen in her hand. I decided to glance over at her while the butterfly was in the room and have come to the conclusion that the butterfly is somehow connected to that pen. I will investigate this further whenever she decides to go to bed, assuming that she forgets about it and leaves it where I can get it. I must remember to distract her thoroughly beforehand so that it is left where I can get it. 

If they are connected then I need to figure out their correlation. I suspect that this will be very handy in my mission, I will be able to distract the humans to get what I want. Just imagine if I could make little hamburgers flying around the room - they would do anything for me! This is a technology that I must figure out quickly and harness so that I can use to my advantage. More to come on this later as I figure this out. 

Bad Ideas

Last night the female forgot to cater to my by giving me my wet meal before she went to sleep. I decided to protest this, however, I don't think she got the message correctly and thought I was just misbehaving because I can.

Sooner after her and the male fell asleep I decided that I needed to begin my protest. I knocked just about everything that was up high and could easily be moved down to the ground. I suspected that the result of this would be the female getting her lazy butt out of bed to give me my wet food. I was wrong, so very wrong. The result was lots of "Stop it cat!" and eventually the door to their room being shut. Of course this displeased me and I protested even more - screeching on the other side of the door, body checking it, scratching at it - anything and everything that you can think of I did. Eventually the male got up and opened the door. I assumed it was to give me my wet food, so I followed him very closely and kept jumping up to where it was and knocking the cans over. He, however, had different ideas and simply laid down on the couch. I jumped on him quite a bit until he placed me on the ground and very rudely told me to stop bothering him. Of course, as any kitten or cat knows, it is very disrespectful to tell me what to do - you should ask, and even then, I'm still going to do what I want to do... although I may consider if there is a tasty treat involved.

I decided to go directly to the source and bother the female. I jumped all over her but she didn't wake up - I suspect those pesky dogs have been bugging her in bed for years and have desensitized her to harassment. Eventually I tired and just fell asleep in the window. I had every intention of going up there only to jump down on her head but all the pretty lights outside distracted me. I suspect this is some sort of hypnotization technique and I must start preparing myself mentally for the distracting should it ever be used against me. I have heard talks of a "laser pointer" and am fairly confident that it is to be used in the same manner as the lights outside.

As a direct result of my behaviour last night the humans stayed in bed later than usual, the end result was my dry food not being filled up as early as it normally is and, due to their lack of quality sleep, being fed the wrong food. Of course I protested this by regurgitating the food on the floor while they were out, however that was also a bad idea because I was soon hungry again.

As much as I hate to admit defeat I have come to the conclusion that this is one area where the humans have the advantage. They control my food intake and by harassing them while they are trying to sleep it has a direct correlation to my feeding schedule. I will try to remember this in the future and, perhaps, not bother them if they miss a wet meal once or twice. They must not know that they have won this battle.

- TKKAL

PS. Here is a picture of my beautiful self. If you would like, you may design posters to put around your home as motivation when you take this challenge upon yourself.

How To Annoy Your Humans

I have succeeded in finding quite a few new ways to drive my humans insane over the past couple of days. I figured since I have just arrived here I should start immediately so that they are under the impression that this is how I have always been. It seems to be working quite well and I don't see how it could backfire.

Here is a list of things that will be guaranteed to annoy the humans:

1) Show the small dogs how to get into your covered litter box and eat your poop. This one was especially fun because the dogs then go up to the humans and lick their faces, only for the humans to realize after that they have little bits of litter stuck to their noses. The best part? The dogs get in trouble for it and not me.

2) Sit in a cardboard box that's been left on the floor and shred it. Even better if you can find a bottle cap near by to swat around on a tile floor while sitting in and shredding the cardboard box. It makes quite the mess and the noise drives them nuts, but you can't be blamed because THEY left the things on the floor. This also works with toilet paper and it's so easy because it just flys off the roll and it's in a holder. Bonus points if you can get the toilet paper all over the bathroom, including in the human litter box.

3) The one I tried the other day - wait until the humans are just starting to fall asleep, then jump up on the edge of the bed and stare at them until they wake up. They are instantly startled and have trouble falling back asleep. The more often you do it the more they begin to fear you. The closer you can get to their face the better, it has little to no effect if you are a few feet away.

4) Open as many doors as you can. Today I have successfully opened all of the bedroom closet doors, the hallway closet, all of the lower kitchen cabinets and the door to the bathroom twice - while it was in use. Even better if you can convince the dogs to eat the garbage that is located under the kitchen sink, then they get blamed for it.

5) Wait until the dogs are somewhat close to you and then hiss. Loudly. Do this often, sometimes even when the dogs are on the other side of the room.

6) Weave in and out of their legs while they're walking. Just be sure to get out of the way when you feel them begin to lose their balance. I have learned this one the hard way.

7) Kick as much litter as possible outside of your litter box. If you have a mat under your litter box you will need to put in extra effort with this one. It needs to go far. If all else fails and you cannot possibly get any litter out of your box, play with your water or food dish instead. The water is the best one because the humans usually don't see it until they step in it. The look of terror on their faces while they try to figure out if it's water or pee is priceless.

8) Lick their toes. If they are wearing socks, bite their socks.

9) Jump at random spots on the walls. If possibly knock down picture frames and wall hangings in the process, just be careful to be out of the way when they fall. I suggest jumping at 45 degree angle parallel to the wall to maximize effectiveness and safety.

10) Get onto tables and rip up or knock off as many things as you can. Tissues work very well. This works well if you do it multiple times, even better if you wait until they sit down again to get back up and continue. I have done this 3 times in the past 5 minutes, I am really enjoying myself.

Well I must get off the computer now to terrorize the humans some more, TKKAL